Tag: techeye bible

Ye Booke of Ah-Em-De


The book of Ah-Em-De Chap XIV. The LORD bringeth plagues upon Ah-Em-De 1. Then the LORD said to TechEye, “Go to Ah-Em-De and say to them, ‘This is what the LORD says: thou art been naughty in my sight for though hast consorted with the people of the desert to making thine chips. 2. “If you do not buck thine ideas up I will cast out your Chief Executive into the wilderness or at least cause him to createth his own start-up.” 3. And the LORD did cause the board of Ah-Em-De to row with its Chief Executive for not making piles of dosh from mobile chips and did cast him out in the wilderness where he created his own start-up. 4. And the people of Ah-Em-De were wroth for they had not a leader, and troubled times were upon them. But still they refused to buck their ideas up and carried on sinning against common sense. 5. Then the LORD said to TechEye: “Tell unto Ah-Em-De that I shall bring a curse upon them and that there will be an exodus of staff from the company unless it pulleths it finger.” 6. But Lo, Ah-Em-De hardened its heart and listened not unto TechEye. And behold, there was a mass exodus of talent from Ah-Em-De . And it was said, of those days, that he who had buried his talent in the ground, did lift it out, clean out his desk and bugger off with it. 7. And Ah-Em-De searched for replacements to these people, but found them not. It tried to encourage those to dig up their talent and let it shine amongst them, but the workers were having it not. 8. But still Ah-Em-De failed to listen and the LORD hardened their hearts so that they would not see the doom that was before them. 9. They said unto TechEye: “Hath we not placed our faith in the chips called Fusion? For shall they not cause our share price to rise and the fatted calve to lay with the badger?” 10. Then the LORD said to TechEye: “Tell the people of Ah-Em-De that they have been found naughty in my sight and I shall curse the Chips called Fusion and there shall be a plague of bugs upon it, and these shall create great delays. 11. “But on that day I will deal differently with the land of In-Tel, where my people live; no swarms of bugs will be there, so that you will know that I, the LORD, am in this land.” 12. And the LORD did this. Dense swarms of flies poured into the Fusion chips, yea and into the Fabs throughout the desert peoples. And Fusion was delayed by the bugs. The factory of the desert people in the German lands were unable to supply the 32-nanometer “Llano” Fusion APUs and delayed shipments of the 12- to 16-core Opteron 6200 Series “Interlagos” chips. 13. But still the heart of Ah-Em-De was hardened and they would not pulleth the finger. And then they appointed Rory Read from the land of Lenovo to be their King. And they did praise him for his ability to grow revenue and income at Lenovo while keeping control of margin. 14. Then the LORD said to TechEye, “Go to Ah-Em-De and say to them, ‘This is what the LORD says: thou art been naughty in my sight and still not sorted thine-selves out. Therefore I shall curse thee so that your shares shall go down even unto the bowels of the Earth.” 15. But the heart of Ah-Em-De was still holding onto the chips called Fusion and believed TechEye not. And they saith that the shares shall remaineth as strong as an ox which partaketh of the Red Bull. 16. And Lo did the LORD bringeth down the share price of Ah-Em-De so fast that its ears poppeth. And Ah-Em-De did downgrade its outlook. Yea, doom was predicted on the downgraded outlook. 17. Analysts and investors did gather together stones and sharp objects to hurl at Ah-Em-De. Some analysts spake and said that Ah-Em-De still has strengths despite the recent problems, but it still needed to pulleth finger, least the share price falleth further. 18. But the world waited for Ah-Em-De to change its mind. And still it did not.

Ye Booke of Ah-Em-De

Ye Booke of Bartz


How the Queen of Yahoo was told to go forth and multiply and reaped her revenge In the beginning there was the mighty empire of the Yahoo and no one entered the Internet but with the say so of its guardians. But lo, another angel come down from heaven, having great power; and the earth was lightened with his glory. And he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, “I am Google and I shall do no evil” He did unspeakable things, which no one ever talked about, but did mighty harm to the empire of Yahoo, saying: “Yahoo the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird. For all nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her, and the merchants of the earth are waxed rich through the abundance of her delicacies.” It was written that Google had overstated the case, but it was true that the Kingdom of Yahoo was in trouble. And they bought forth a Queen to rule them who was fair of face and foul of tongue and her name was Bartz. And they did pay her large sums of money to sit in her tower of Ivory. King Ballmer did woo her with his awesome Bing and bling. But did he not go away empty handed? Did not Queen Bartz make his software do all the searching so she did not have to do anything? But the Board of Yahoo was wrath. Bartz was taking the shekels but there was no change. And the Google Giant remained taunting them. And they said “who will rid us of this turbulent queen” and their heart was full of fear. For had she not told Techcrunch to “f*ck off” ? Did she not use language which their mummies gave them a smack for using? And the Board decided to ring her up, fire her and slam down the phone before they could be insulted. And they wrote Roy Bostock a script so that he should not divert from the path of legality. And Bostock rehearsed it even unto the wee small hours. But when he came to perform it Bartz did interupt him and say: “Thou art reading a script you piss poor performer. Hath thou not the balls to speak unto me thineself?” And Yahoo’s chairman did squeak that he had not and continued reading the script and then hung up. But the next day, did not Bartz go unto Fortune magazine and spake and say “These people f*cked me over” and the press was full of what it described as a “foul-mouthed tirade” . “Go down, sit in the dust, Virgin Daughter Yahoo; sit thou on the ground without a throne. No longer will though be called a search engine. Take millstones and grind flour, you are better making scones. Take off your veil. Lift up your skirts, bare your legs, and wade through the streams. Your nakedness will be exposed and your shame uncovered. I am forever. I am the eternal queen! For I, Bartz, will take vengeance upon ye and I shalt spare none.” Bartz addeth that the Board was the worst in the country and did follow the great god “Doofus.” Doofus is a lesser God to whom the board of the people of Ech-Peh did also worship and did inspire them to take King Apotheka as their King. And she held up the balls of Bostock which she kept in a jar and spake and said: “Let the world be known that I hath been fired by a man with no balls. Who shalt be the first to hire me now!” But the men of the IT industry did long unto their own testicles and did whistle and walk away.

Ye Booke of Microsoft


1 And there came two customers to Microsoft at even; and Ballmer sat in the gate of Redmond: and Ballmer seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground; 2 and he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into my house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in your offices all night. 3 And he pressed upon them greatly; for he did warn them that the offices of Redmond were places of ill repute; where salesmen did quaff the neat vodka and did have sex in the loos. He made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat. 4 But before they lay down, the staff of the company, even the men and women of Redmond , compassed the house of Ballmer, both old and young, all the people from every quarter: 5 and they called unto Ballmer, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may party with them and, after their livers are but pickled onions we shall sell them Windows Mobile Solutions. 6 And Ballmer went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him, 7 and said, I pray you, staff, do not so wickedly. 8 And they said, Stand back. For we have our quotas to meet and you need the sales. For many cannot live by Office and Xbox alone. 9 . And they pressed sore upon the man, even Ballmer , and came near to break the door. 10 But the men put forth their hand, and pulled Ballmer into the house to them, and shut to the door. 11 And they smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness, both small and great: so that they wearied themselves to find the door. Although that might have been the effect of the wine of the potato that one of the Irish salesmen had brought. 12 ¶ The Angels did spaketh and say unto Ballmer, Hast though any staff you would have taken to a place of safety, such as a reliable starteth-up? 13 for we will destroy Microsoft, because the cry of them is a WHORE of BABYLON and has sinned great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it. 14 But Ballmer refused to leave. He said unto the Angels. I will take thy advice and consider it. But many are those who have claimed that Redmond shall fall and yet it hath not happened. I will create a new operating system and a new Office and all will be well. 15 ¶ And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Ballmer, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of Redmond. But he listened not and went off to have a drink with his sales team. 16 ¶ Then the LORD rained upon Redmond brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven; 17 and he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground. 18 Mighty were the writs of sexual discrimination that fell upon Redmond and Ballmer was transformed into a pillar of sweat. 19 And Jobs gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD: 20 and he looked toward Redmond and toward all the land of the Seattle plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace. 21 And Jobs did spake and say “Why didst Microsoft blow it? It had everything but it lost it all in an alcoholic sex binge. Why did they not follow the way of Apple and chase not after the soft skirt and the eating of salads?” 22 And the LORD spake unto Jobs and said: “I have smote the wrong company. Who will I go drinking with on Friday night now? Is it not written that it is better that a company be a den of iniquity than a self righteous bunch of smug prigs?” 23 And Jobs did say: “Not in my Bible. It sayth Blessed are the Smug for they shall inherit the Earth.” 24. “Bugger,” Spaketh God. “I should have inspired the word of God a bit better.”

Ye Book of Microsoft

Steve Jobs boards the Chariot of Fire

The final book of Jobs

1: And it came to pass, when the LORD would take up Jobs into heaven by a whirlwind, that Jobs went with Cook from Cappuccino. 2: And Jobs said unto Cook, “I have decided that the LORD hath got it all wrong and the universe is being mismanaged. Therefore I have come unto you to say I am going to sort out the LORD and tell him what he needs to do.” 3: And the sons of the fanboys that were at Bethel came forth to Cook , and said unto him, Knowest thou that the LORD will take away Jobs from thy head today? And he said, Yea, I know it; hold ye your peace. 4: And the Fanboys did say unto Cook that he should not let Jobs depart into heaven, for without him there would not be the toys that shineth, and they would have too much money in their bank accounts. 5: And Cook did spake and say: “If Jobs departeth unto heaven there shall be toys that shineth and new ideas for the Children of Apple should follow him.” 6: And Fanboys did spake and say unto Cook: “But Lo that you and Jobs have been telling us that all innovation is naught which proceedeth not from the mouth of our Jobs” 7: And Cook said unto Jobs: “Look, if thou bugger off to sort out the Almighty, how will I convince the fanboys to follow me?” 8: And Jobs took his iPad, and unto Cook. I hand unto thee my contact book of Tame Journalists and I have sent out an email unto them where they will write long diatribes about how it will be “business as usual at Apple” while I am sorting out God. Even unto Richard Quest on Cnn who shall write screeds of depressed stories as if his dog hath died. 9: And it came to pass, when they were gone over, that Jobs, Ask what I shall do for thee, before I be taken away from thee. And Cook said, I pray thee, let a double portion of thy spirit be upon me. 10: And he said, Thou hast asked a hard thing for thou art simply a mortal and carry none of my genius. For thou shall not be the head of my new religion, and I shall give you the keys to my drinks cabinet. But the fanboys shall only worship the One True Jobs and will only buy stuff that they think I shall like. 11: And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Jobs went up by a whirlwind into heaven to tell the LORD how to run things. 12: And Cook saw it, and he cried, My father, my father, the chariot of Israel, and the horsemen thereof. And he saw him no more and took hold of his own iPad and cleaved it in twain out of grief. 13: He took up also the iPad of Jobs that fell from him, and went back, and stood by Starbucks; 14: And he took the iPad of Jobs that fell from him, and did email the Tame Apple Press and they asked him “Where is the LORD God Jobs? “ and he said unto them “Meet me, sent unto my iPad” . 15: And when the Tame Apple Press saw him, they said, The spirit of Jobs doth rest on Cook. And they came to meet him, and bowed themselves to the ground before him. 16: And they said unto him, Behold now, there be with thy fanboys let them go, we pray thee, and seek thy master Jobs: lest peradventure the Spirit of the LORD hath taken him up, and cast him upon some mountain, or into some valley. And Cooke said, Ye shall not send (sent from my iPad) 17: They sent therefore fifty fanboys and they sought three days, but found him not. 18: And the Tame Apple Press said unto Cook , Behold, I pray thee, the situation of thine Company is pleasant, as my lord seeth: but the the innovation is naught, the ground barren and the share price is inflated. 19: And he said, Bring me a new iPad, and flatten it by taking out the chip. And they brought it to him. And Cook went forth unto the fanboys and he spake and said “The Spirit of Jobs is upon me and I give thee a super thin tablet.” 20: And the Tame Apple Press asketh: “Does it work?” And Cook said unto them “Of course it worketh not, but we shall make it even more expensive.” 21: And the Tame Apple Press did enthuse, even unto the New York Times which was so excited it came. Great was the orgasm of the New York Times. 23: And people did say that there was a halo upon Cook from that day forth, and they knew that the word of Jobs was coming from him.

Ye Booke of WebOS


1. And it came to pass that EHCH-PEH did despair of the operating system of Microsoft and did mock the powers of the Penguin God of the Weirdie Beardies and did look around for a new OS god to worship. 2. And amongst the legions of the Palm they did find the WebOS which they thought would do. Had it not the name “web” in it, and everyone knoweth that the web was the next best thing. 3. But there were those amongst EHCH-PEH who were perplexed with the new goddess. We should have bought something with the word Mobile in it they sayth. 4. Then there were those who believed that they should worship the god of the Weirdie Beardies and evoke the true and invisible god of vapour, Meego. 5. Soon after he lead the children of EHCH-PEH to their new WebOS god, King Mark Hurd was sacrificed by his people for dining with a Whore of Babylon on expenses. 6. And Leo Apothika, that man of action, did see WebOS while it was bathing and became very moist. Is this Goddess not what the children of EHCH-PEH have been seeking? Truly she can be omnipotent and we can stick it in everything. For cannot WebOS runneth even our printers, even unto the ones with the expensive ink. 7. He ordered that WebOS be bought into the heart of the Temple of EHCH-PEH and the priests brought the Chest of the Covenant of WebOS to its place in the Inner Sanctuary, the Holy of Holies, under the wings of the cherubim. 8. And he ordered great roadmaps to be drawn up and temples, and interfaces to the new Goddess were drawn forth even under the hundredth powerpoint. 9. And then did Apothika pray unto WebOS in the heart of the temple and asketh that she give her children Tablets, like unto the ones that the Children of Jobs had. 10. And behold a laptop did burst into fire and from the flames WebOS did spake and say. “Here are the plans for a new tablet which will make thee the King of the Mobile World”. 11. But when the EHCH-PEH engineers did see the plans they did tear their industry tee-shirts and cover their heads with cigarette ashes. 12. The did spake and say, “these plans went about to cause our hearts to despaire of all the labour which I tooke under the Sunne.” 13. And Apothika did spake unto his developers, hath thou no faith in the nubile WebOS? For hath not she written that we are to place our faces between her tablets and goeth blubble blubble? 14. And the EHCH-PEH engineers did spake and say that Apothika was new to hardware and kneweth not what the feck he was talking about. Yet, they tried to build the tablets, yeah even unto the roadmap he requested. 15. And the tablet was named the TouchPad and indeed it was rubbished, for it was like an iPad without the marketing and an Android tablet without the software development. And the reviewers looked for Applications to run on the software and found them not. 16. And Apothika was wrath and he told the engineers that they had better come up with something better next time, or else it would be smiting time. 17. He ordered that the person who first discovered WebOS, Stephen DeWitt, should be taken from his temple and promoted away from the engineers, so that he infected them not with his cheerful banter. 18. But there were some who considered that WebOS was a false goddess.

Ye Booke of WebOS

Ye Booke of Rim


1. And it came to pass that the people of Rim found themselves at odds with many other peoples. There was the Children of Jobs who worshipped their leader and the Tribe of Goo-Gol who claimed that they did no evil, except between the hours of 10 am and 2.45pm. 2. And there arose within the people of Rim a double headed dragon. And the name of one head was Lazaridis and when he spoke the wall paper was stripped, and the name of the other head was Balsillie and when he breathed people wept buckets. 3. And the Double Headed Monster spoke unto the People of Rim and said, you shall hath not one leader but two, for are we not joined. 4. And the People of Rim thought this was a good idea and they fed the two headed monster, even unto double expense accounts. 5. But then it came to everyone’s attention that the two headed monster was not as good a king as they hoped. He made them not money like Jobs, nor was he popular with the mobile market like Goo-Gol. 6. When the two headed monster releaseth his tablets, the people did mock them, even unto the blogosphere. For tablet connected unto the internet not, and was as useful even as a teapot made of chocolate, or spheres of brass, on a monkey on a cold day. 7. Yet the double headed monster careth not. For even though each head likethed each other not, at least their body was getting fat. 8. And when the results were announced and Rim was losing money, yea even unto the going down the loo, they spake and said “Let us sacrifice the Children of Rim and call it a restructuring.” 9. And there arose amongst the Children of Rim, one who claimeth to be a senior manager, and he did write unto his fellows a secret email saying that the dragon was sapping their spirit. 10. He said that the dragon had forbidden managers to speak openly without limiting their careers, even unto never working in this town again. 11. The anonymous one said that under the dragon, things have never been more chaotic and the people worked slower and slower. 12. He called for unto Rim to hire those who had been blessed by the LORD with the gifts of software design. He said that the Apple, Google & Microsoft had software teams which were blessed by the LORD, while Rim had leaders who were like blindfolded donkeys who brayed at the scorpion in the dark. 13. He spake and said that Rim had to stop shipping incomplete products that aren’t baked. Particularly those tablets which needed a mobile phone to connect unto. 14. “Our SDK / development platform is like unto a rundown 1990′s Ford Explorer, while the children of Jobs hath a BMW M3,” he spake and said. “We offer developers tools of shit and thus are not apps of shit created?” the manager did say. 15. And he did say that the reign of the dual headed dragon should end for it was not efficient. He said Rim needed a dragon with one head who might eat a little less. 16. Had not the two headed dragon seeth not the threat of iPhone? Did it not. It laughed and said that Jobs was trying to put a computer on a phone, that it won’t work. 17. And the two headed dragon did cry out for the demons of the PR department to go forth and seek out the man and to rend him up, even like unto a kipper. 18. But the PR people found the man not, for he had headed into the hills where he was dining on locusts to hide from the two headed dragon. 19. But the rest of the people of Rim thought that the unknown man might be right and they made their plans to remove the two headed dragon, and replace it with something a bit more talented and innovative, such as a badger.

Ye Booke of Rim, and the two headed dragon

Ye Booke of Riaa


1. In the beginning the LORD did create heaven and earth from the Music of the Spheres, which was an instrument made by mating a bagpipe with an Ood. And the universe was created, the LORD saw it was good and everyone was happy. 2. But a team of Nephalim did approach the LORD and did pointeth out that he had to pay them a percentage of what he earned, so that they could protect Almighty God from people stealing his music and creating other universes without permission. 3. And the LORD was so upset that he cast the Nephalim down, even unto the earth, where they became known as the Riaa. 4. It was written that whenever a musician performed, the Riaa would want the fattest part of their payment for protection. And thus it happened that the Riaa becameth very fat, even unto rotund. And each Chief had an infinite number of swimming pools and each of the demi-demons had a million swimming pools. 5. And lo, did the governments of the world bow unto the Riaa and did hand over their tablets of law unto them. For they feared that they would lose their campaign funds if they stood against them. 6. An lo, there came unto the world the nomadic File Sharers and the eaters of Lime, made of Wires, and suddenly people did not have to pay for music any longer. And the Riaa were perplexed for they realised that they had built their business model on the sandy ground rather than the stoney ground of sensibility. 7. Most of the musicians liketh the ideas the File Sharers but the Riaa saith they could use technology not. 8. They spake amongst themselves and said if musicians sell their music using technology, then there is no reason for us to exist. We must stamp this File Sharing out. 9. And they did unleash their lawyers from the very depths of hell where they had been cast because they were too evil even for other lawyers to be near. 10. And the lawyers smote those who followed the File Sharers and dragged the elderly, the lame, children, the quick and the dead into court. 11. But the people continued to follow the File Sharers and there were not enough demons and not enough courts to sue them all. 12. And the musicians did spake and say “stop pissing around and sell our music legitimately” and the Riaa did say they would think about it. 13. Meanwhile they decided to bring down the mighty monster chief of the File Sharers. He who was known for his great eating of limes. 14. And the lawyers did set upon him and drag him into a court where they demanded that he be crucified along with his family, children, live-stock and small pets. Further that he hand over 75 trillion shekels, which they claimed was the money that the File Shares stole from them. 15. However, the Judge was perplexed and did scratch his wig even unto the back. Forsooth such money has not been earned by the whole world, how could it be possible that one industry could be out of pocket by that much? 16. And the lawyers did shrug and say “you have to thinketh big when you are a demon of evil”. 17. And the eater of Lime Wire did say unto them “I will payeth thee a million shekels if thou would go forth and multiply”. And the lawyers did taketh the money and did go forth and multiply. 18. And the Riaa did declare a victory and did buyeth another round of swimming pools to celebrate. 19. But where Lime Wire fell, others did take their place and the Riaa found itself in an endless war. And it was all pointless, yea, unto the end of the Age.

Ye Booke of Jobs and How Jobs Found His Lost Sheep



Book of Jobs Chapt. How Steve found his lost children 1. And it came to pass that the Children of Apple were wandering in the desert when a group of them became lost. 2. They did hold their iPhones unto the air, but they captured the signal not and they could no longer hear the voice of Steve, nor connect unto iTunes. 3. They did cry out unto the darkness that Steve Jobs had abandoned them and that they could not find his walled garden of delights. 4. And some were seduced unto the path of the Whore of Android, who did lure them to her sacred groves with the temptation of licentious applications. 5. Others did fall unto heresy. Their faith was shattered and they did forget to believe that Apple really invented the computer, that Steve Jobs won the Second World War and using Windows gave you cancer. 6. And Steve did cry unto the LORD for the souls of his lost sheep. 7. “Oh Lord! How can they believe what I tell them if I know not where they are 24/7. 8. And the Lord did spake and say: “Take unto thyself and iPhone and write an application which tells you where thine followers are.” 9. And Steve thought this was the best idea he had ever had and installed the software immediately into the iPhone. 10. There after whenever one of his sheep became lost, and thought that other companies made better phones, he could sent forth his black shirted followers to rescue them. 11. However, it came to pass that security researchers found Steve’s code in the iPhone. “Lo,” they spake, “Jobs is spying on his customers.” 12. And Apple said nothing, for it was its way. But messages were despatched unto Steve’s allies in the press and they went forth amongst the nations. 13. “Android also spyeth on its users, so it matters not that Jobs does it, even unto the 12 month in violation of data protection laws,” they did pen. 14. For is it not written in the contract that the iPhone user must hand over all that is his unto Steve Jobs. So there is naught that can complain. 15. However, the Whore of Android came forth, and after she did that, she did complain that the Apple allies were speaking untruths, even unto total bollocks. For she recorded the data for only a few minutes, a day at the best. 16. And then it was revealed that Inspector Knacker of the Yard had known of Apple’s sacred code for a year. But it had kept its counsel. For it knew if that if arrested any of the Children of Jobs it was jolly useful to have knowledge of their movements, even unto the corner shop for a packet of Rothmans. 17. But the Children of Jobs rejoiced, for it meant unto them, that they were important enough for Steve to care about them. 18. For it was written that no one loved a follower of Apple, other than their mothers.

Ye Booke of Ballmer


Ye Booke of Ballmer Chapt XII Where King Ballmer Bellows and causes the Market Barriers to fall against the Dullards 1. And it came to pass that King Ballmer was perplexed for he did not know which way to lead his Microsoftees unto the promised land. 2. The LORD spake unto Ballmer and said Gates, my servant, hath gone to the Place of the Mosquito; now therefore arise, go over this unto the Land of Business Software, thou, and all thy people, unto the market, which I do give to them, even to the children of Redmond. 3. Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Gates. 4. There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Gates, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. 5. Remember that thy way is Business software and this law shall not depart out of thy mouth. Leave unto the Children of Apple, the Kingdom of Shiny Gadgets, for their toys are for boys who have not hair on their testicles and voices of girls. 6. Write unto the world software for grown ups, that secret software written in a language that none but business majors understand. That setteth goals that businesses think they need, even unto business intelligence that no man knoweth the meaning of. 7. Cast not thy chairs unto the wind. Meditate on this therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success. For it is written that people pay big dosh for this sort of bollocks. 8. But King Ballmer was afraid for the Market was already occupied with the tribes of Ay-Be-Em, Ech-Pee, and Sap. They had formed a powerful alliance of Dullards. And much money had they, and the market did do what they told them. 9. And it came to pass, when all the Kings of the Dullards, heard that the LORD had commanded King Ballmer to enter unto their domains and they did come forth to mock. Lo. Great was the Mocking thereof. 10. “Forsooth, King Ballmer, where is thine Tablet and how many Mobile Phone Operating Systems doth thy sell last year?” They did mock. 11. Now the Market for business software was shut up because of the children of Microsoft: none went out, and none came in. 12. And the LORD said unto Ballmer, See, I have given into thine hand the Business Software Market, and the Kings thereof. 13. On the seventh day ye shall compass the city seven times, and the thou shalt dance the dance of the monkey and thou shalt bellow forth. 14. And it shall come to pass, that when they make a long bellow and the Markets shall fall before thee and the people of Microsoft shall ascend up every man straight before him. 15. And it came to pass at the seventh time, when the Ballmer did bellow with Mighty voice that the Barriers to the Business Software Market fell down flat, so that the people went up into the market and doth make esoteric software. 16. So the LORD was with Ballmer; and his fame was noised throughout all the country, as indeed was the Noisy Ballmer.

Ye Booke of Ballmer

Ye Psalms of the Followers of Jobs


Psalm of the Followers of Jobs Pss.10 A lament of abandonment [1] Why standest thou afar off, O Jobs? Why hidest thou thyself in times of trouble? [2] Google pride doth persecute the fanboys and let them be taken in the mobile devices that they have imagined. [3] For the people of Techeye boasteth of that their heart’s desire, is to smite the bearers of your shiny toys. [4] Techeye will not seek after Jobs, for our God is not in all its thoughts. [5] Their spelling always grievous; thy grammar is far above out of his sight: they spelleth not the word “iPhone” as though hast commanded and as for we fanboys, they puffeth at them. [6] Techeye hath said in its heart, I shall not be moved: for I shall ever be in adversity. [7] Its mouth is full of cursing and deceit and fraud: under his tongue is mischief and vanity. They listen not to the sage words of the New York Times which singith thy praises every day. [8] Techeye sitteth in the lurking places of the Oxford: in the secret places doth it murder the innocent iPad: his eyes are privily set against the seekers of gadgets. [9] It lieth in wait secretly as a lion in his den: it lieth in wait to catch the fanboys: he doth catch the seekers of gadgets, when it draweth him into his net of abuse. [10] Techeye croucheth, and humbleth himself, that the fanboys may fall by his strong Hacks. [11] Arise, O Jobs lift up thine hand: forget not the smug. [12] Wherefore doth the wicked Techeye condemn Jobs ? [14] Thou hast seen it; for thou beholdest mischief and spite, to requite it with thy hand: the fanboys committeth himself unto thee; thou art the helper of the seekers of things that shineth. [15] Jobs is the Genus King for ever and ever: the heathen are perished out of his Walled Garden, yeah even unto the arms of Zune. [17] Jobs, thou hast heard the desire of the smug: thou wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear: [18] To judge the fanboys and the oppressed, that the Techeye of Oxford may no more oppress.