1: And it came to pass, when the LORD would take up Jobs into heaven by a whirlwind, that Jobs went with Cook from Cappuccino. 2: And Jobs said unto Cook, “I have decided that the LORD hath got it all wrong and the universe is being mismanaged. Therefore I have come unto you to say I am going to sort out the LORD and tell him what he needs to do.” 3: And the sons of the fanboys that were at Bethel came forth to Cook , and said unto him, Knowest thou that the LORD will take away Jobs from thy head today? And he said, Yea, I know it; hold ye your peace. 4: And the Fanboys did say unto Cook that he should not let Jobs depart into heaven, for without him there would not be the toys that shineth, and they would have too much money in their bank accounts. 5: And Cook did spake and say: “If Jobs departeth unto heaven there shall be toys that shineth and new ideas for the Children of Apple
should follow him.” 6: And Fanboys did spake and say unto Cook: “But Lo that you and Jobs have been telling us that all innovation is naught which proceedeth not from the mouth of our Jobs” 7: And Cook said unto Jobs: “Look, if thou bugger off to sort out the Almighty, how will I convince the fanboys to follow me?” 8: And Jobs took his iPad
, and unto Cook. I hand unto thee my contact book of Tame Journalists and I have sent out an email unto them where they will write long diatribes about how it will be “business as usual at Apple” while I am sorting out God. Even unto Richard Quest on Cnn who shall write screeds of depressed stories as if his dog hath died. 9: And it came to pass, when they were gone over, that Jobs, Ask what I shall do for thee, before I be taken away from thee. And Cook said, I pray thee, let a double portion of thy spirit be upon me. 10: And he said, Thou hast asked a hard thing for thou art simply a mortal and carry none of my genius. For thou shall not be the head of my new religion, and I shall give you the keys to my drinks cabinet. But the fanboys shall only worship the One True Jobs and will only buy stuff that they think I shall like. 11: And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Jobs went up by a whirlwind into heaven to tell the LORD how to run things. 12: And Cook saw it, and he cried, My father, my father, the chariot of Israel, and the horsemen thereof. And he saw him no more and took hold of his own iPad and cleaved it in twain out of grief. 13: He took up also the iPad of Jobs that fell from him, and went back, and stood by Starbucks
; 14: And he took the iPad of Jobs that fell from him, and did email the Tame Apple Press and they asked him “Where is the LORD God Jobs? “ and he said unto them “Meet me, sent unto my iPad” . 15: And when the Tame Apple Press saw him, they said, The spirit of Jobs doth rest on Cook. And they came to meet him, and bowed themselves to the ground before him. 16: And they said unto him, Behold now, there be with thy fanboys let them go, we pray thee, and seek thy master Jobs: lest peradventure the Spirit of the LORD hath taken him up, and cast him upon some mountain, or into some valley. And Cooke said, Ye shall not send (sent from my iPad) 17: They sent therefore fifty fanboys and they sought three days, but found him not. 18: And the Tame Apple Press said unto Cook , Behold, I pray thee, the situation of thine Company is pleasant, as my lord seeth: but the the innovation is naught, the ground barren and the share price is inflated. 19: And he said, Bring me a new iPad, and flatten it by taking out the chip. And they brought it to him. And Cook went forth unto the fanboys and he spake and said “The Spirit of Jobs is upon me and I give thee a super thin tablet.” 20: And the Tame Apple Press asketh: “Does it work?” And Cook said unto them “Of course it worketh not, but we shall make it even more expensive.” 21: And the Tame Apple Press did enthuse, even unto the New York Times which was so excited it came. Great was the orgasm of the New York Times. 23: And people did say that there was a halo upon Cook from that day forth, and they knew that the word of Jobs was coming from him.