Tag: Steve Ballmer

Microsoft puts its Orifice into the cloud

Software giant Microsoft officially unveiled Office 365 in an attempt to keep up with its would-be nemesis, Google. In order to keep up with Google, Microsoft is taking a calculated risk because its Office software commands high revenues and profits. Cloud 365 could put that profitability at risk if enough people decide to give it a go.

At a press conference held in New York, CEO Steve Ballmer said Cloud 365 – as we call it – offered an up to date cloud service, for a monthly subscription. Cloud 365 lets people work simultaneously on, for example, Microsoft Word and Excel.

Cloud 365 has been in beta for a year.

Microsoft has signed up over 20 service providers including Vodafone and NTT, and said that Cloud 365 will be available in 40 markets. It’s also tied in a large number of resellers and independent software vendors.

In the USA, subscriptions range between $2 and $27, depending on the plan. Microsoft is offering a free trial for 30 days. Presumably Cloud 365 works in leap years, when it miraculously turns into Cloud 366.

Ye Booke of Mobile

 

The Friendship of Ballmer and Brown 1 And King Ballmer did desire to enter the Mobile Market and said before Brown, What have I done? What is mine iniquity? And what is my sin before the Mobile Market that it seeketh my job? 2 And he said unto him, God forbid; thou shalt not be fired: behold, we owneth the mobile market and it will do nothing either great or small. 3 And Ballmer sware moreover, and said, In Tel certainly knoweth that You have found grace in thine eyes; and he saith, Let not Otellini know this, lest he be grieved: but truly, as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, there is but a step between me and death. 4 Then said Brown unto Ballmer , Whatsoever thy soul desireth, I will even do it for thee, even unto adapting my chips so that they can run Windows 8. 5 And Ballmer said unto Brown, Behold, let us make a plan. Let me adapt my software so that it runs on thine chips. 6 If In Tel at all miss me, then say, Ballmer hath run to thine arms to maketh a tablet and yet there is nothing wrong. 7 If Otellini say thus, It is well; thy servant shall have peace: but if Otellini be very wroth, then be sure that evil is determined by him. 8 And Brown said, Far be it from thee: for if I knew certainly that evil were determined by In Tel to come upon thee, then would not I tell it thee? And if Otellini were to order my death would thou not telleth me? 10 Then said Ballmer to Brown, If I do not winneth big on the Mobile Market soon, it is is written by the prophets at Big G that I am toast. 11 And Brown said unto Ballmer, Come, and let us go out into Mobile Market together. And they went out both of them into the Mobile Market. 12 ¶ And Brown said unto Ballmer , Oh MICROSOFT God of Operating Systems, maketh a tablet, because they are doing well at the moment, and I will make a chip that worketh with it 13 And Ballmer said unto Brown in the name of the MICROSOFT I shall do so and I will make a version of Windows 8 that can runneth on thine chips, that thou mayest go in peace: and the MICROSOFT be with thee, as it hath been with In Tel. 14 And thou shalt not only while yet I live show me the kindness, that I am fired not: 15 But also thou shalt not cut off thy kindness from my house for ever: no, not when the Arm hath cut off the enemies of Ballmer every one from the face of the earth. 16 So Brown made a covenant with the company of Ballmer, saying, Let the LORD even require it at the hand of Ballmer ‘s enemies. 17 And Brown caused Ballmer to swear again, because he loved him: for he loved him as he loved his own shares. 18 Then Otellini’s anger was kindled against Ballmer, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen Arm to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother’s nakedness? 19 For as long as Arm liveth upon the market, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom. 20 And Ballmer answered Otellini, and said unto him, Wherefore shall Arm be slain? For is he not better in the Mobile Market than thee? Is it not written that thine Atoms can’t do mobile for Toffee? 21 Long hath I followed thee, and where I have falled hath thou also. And where thou hath failed I have been well and truly screwed. No, is it not written, that enough is enough. 22 And Otellini cast a javelin at him to smite him and missed his target, yea as if it were an Atom trying to get into the Mobile Market. 23 Ballmer arose out of a place toward the South, and fell on his face to the ground, and came in unto Brown. He bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one another, until Ballmer exceeded.

Why Ballmer bought Skype

 

Ye Booke of Ballmer Chapt XII: How Ballmer bought the Kingdom of Skype Now Ballmer the son of Gates began to reign over Microsoft in Redmond and reigned ten years. 2. And he wrought evil in the sight of the LORD; but not like Gates, and like Allen: for he put away mobile operating system that his Gates had made. 3 Nevertheless he cleaved unto the sins of administration, which caused Microsoft to collapse in to apathy and produce good products not. 4 But it came to pass, that shareholders waxethed cross at the state of the Kingdom, and that they had not had a decent dividend for some time. 5 And did not the funds of hedges go forth and spake against King Ballmer and demand that he be cast out. 6 “Under Gates, we were rich men,” they said. “And yet under Ballmer we hath not the fat of an aged mutton to rub into our tongues. It would be far wiser to have invested our money in Apple, whose CEO is so rich he liveth off the liver of teenagers.” 7. And Ballmer heard these rumours and he was wrath. And he went and sent to Skype saying, the Analysts hath rebelled against me: wilt thou go with me against them to battle? And he said, I will go up: I am as thou art, my people as thy people, and my horses as thy horses. 8 And Ballmer asked said, now that we are allies answer me this one question which hath remained a mystery to me and my people. “Is thy name pronounced Skyip or Sky-pee” 9. And Skype did spake and say: “Writeth thou a huge cheque, buyeth this company and you can pronounce it how thou like”. And Ballmer did write a huge cheque and henceforth was Skype pronounced very loudly. 10. And as the deal was signed there were many who wondered why Ballmer had written a large cheque for the small Kingdom of Skype. And they did approach him and ask. “Why hath thou spenteth a Kings Ransom for such a small Kingdom?” 11. And Ballmer was wroth for he could not admit that he had written the cheque of many zeros simply to find out how the name was pronounced and he did refuse to comment. 12. And he said unto them that he moveth in mysterious ways and it was not unto them that he should reveal his cunning plan. 13. And the analysts did say: “Verily, we hath seen the monkey dance and knoweth that you move in mysterious ways. This is so strange that we must assume that there is a reason.” 14. And Ballmer did not and the analysts went away. One looked unto the old King Gates, who had been in the wilderness, having declared war on the mosquito and spend the rest of his days scratching. 15. “What doth you think of this purchase of Skype and wilt you call for the head of your Son Ballmer and resume your throne?” they asketh him. 16. And King Gates was fearful and asked if Ballmer knewth they were coming. For it was written that he who would go against King Ballmer would die by the death of a thousand flung chairs and they would never hear again. 17. And Gates said, As the LORD of hosts liveth, before whom I stand. I knoweth that Ballmer charteth a proper course and the people of Redmond will benefit from what ever he bought. 18. And then he inquireth what exactly Ballmer had bought and whether it was pronouncethed Skyip or Skypee.

Microsoft buys Skype for $8.5 billion

The shy and retiring Steve “There’s A Kind Of Hush” Ballmer has shocked Wall Street by writing an $8.5 billion cheque to buy Skype.

Wall Street thinks he probably paid a bit too much for the outfit which lost $7 million last year and has a debt of $686 million.

It is the largest acquisition since Redmond paid $6 billion for the online advertising company aQuantive in 2007. The move would bring it 660 million users worldwide while giving it a foothold in voice and video communications.

Analysts think that it could be integrated into existing Microsoft products such as its Xbox 360 games console and Kinect gaming systems, or even into its flagship Office product to let users collaborate more effectively.

Facebook, Google and Cisco Systems were interested in acquiring it to fold into their own services and while analysts think the sale is a good idea, the price tag has left them a bit upset.

Skype was bought by eBay for $2.6 billion in 2005 . It later wrote down Skype’s value by $1.4bn and flogged off a 70 percent stake at the end of 2007. It still has 30 percent and with the Volish cash it is now worth $2.4 billion, which means that it is quids in on its Skype moves.

Google previously looked at purchasing Skype in 2005 but was worried about patent problems with the technology. Essential patents for the service are owned by a company linked to Skype’s founders.

Vole already has a voice-over-internet offering, called Lync, which combines email, instant messaging and voice communications into a single program. It is part of its Office division, but has failed to attract much attention.

Details on the deal will be announced later today the Guardian claims. 

Ye Booke of Ballmer

 

Ye Booke of Ballmer Chapt XII Where King Ballmer Bellows and causes the Market Barriers to fall against the Dullards 1. And it came to pass that King Ballmer was perplexed for he did not know which way to lead his Microsoftees unto the promised land. 2. The LORD spake unto Ballmer and said Gates, my servant, hath gone to the Place of the Mosquito; now therefore arise, go over this unto the Land of Business Software, thou, and all thy people, unto the market, which I do give to them, even to the children of Redmond. 3. Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Gates. 4. There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Gates, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. 5. Remember that thy way is Business software and this law shall not depart out of thy mouth. Leave unto the Children of Apple, the Kingdom of Shiny Gadgets, for their toys are for boys who have not hair on their testicles and voices of girls. 6. Write unto the world software for grown ups, that secret software written in a language that none but business majors understand. That setteth goals that businesses think they need, even unto business intelligence that no man knoweth the meaning of. 7. Cast not thy chairs unto the wind. Meditate on this therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success. For it is written that people pay big dosh for this sort of bollocks. 8. But King Ballmer was afraid for the Market was already occupied with the tribes of Ay-Be-Em, Ech-Pee, and Sap. They had formed a powerful alliance of Dullards. And much money had they, and the market did do what they told them. 9. And it came to pass, when all the Kings of the Dullards, heard that the LORD had commanded King Ballmer to enter unto their domains and they did come forth to mock. Lo. Great was the Mocking thereof. 10. “Forsooth, King Ballmer, where is thine Tablet and how many Mobile Phone Operating Systems doth thy sell last year?” They did mock. 11. Now the Market for business software was shut up because of the children of Microsoft: none went out, and none came in. 12. And the LORD said unto Ballmer, See, I have given into thine hand the Business Software Market, and the Kings thereof. 13. On the seventh day ye shall compass the city seven times, and the thou shalt dance the dance of the monkey and thou shalt bellow forth. 14. And it shall come to pass, that when they make a long bellow and the Markets shall fall before thee and the people of Microsoft shall ascend up every man straight before him. 15. And it came to pass at the seventh time, when the Ballmer did bellow with Mighty voice that the Barriers to the Business Software Market fell down flat, so that the people went up into the market and doth make esoteric software. 16. So the LORD was with Ballmer; and his fame was noised throughout all the country, as indeed was the Noisy Ballmer.

Ye Booke of Ballmer

Ye Booke of Cloude

 

1. In the Beginning was the Cloud, and it was before the Data Centre, and it was the Data Centre. And it became known to humanity as the Cloud for this was a sexier name than Data Centre. 2. For it is written that the all things have different names in the Mind of Marketing for it moveth in Mysterious ways. 3. And the Cloud moved amongst the people and yet they saw it not. It was humble storage and there were none that were interested, yea even unto the data centre it was unknown. 4. But after many years in the wilderness the Cloud did start to spake unto the minds of men. It spoke unto IBM and even unto the Children of the Oracle who were after plagued by databases and had no idea what to do with them. 5. King Ballmer of Microsoft did give his heart unto the Cloud for he saw that it was a way of erasing his cock-up over mobile. 6. “Blessed shall be the Cloud unto all ages, for it shall be the saviour of my people. Let it be written, not on tablets of course, that Cloud shall be the Messiah of the Age,” Ballmer proclaimed. 7. Yet in his heart Ballmer kneweth that the Cloud would give the Children of Jobs a reason for their Tablets of Almunium to exist. However it would take much time for the Children of Jobs to build their Cloud, for they had missed the boat on the centre of data. 8. So he reasoned that he buildeth the Cloud and could later create the Tablets of Almunium later on. 9. St Apothrika was wandering in the wilderness of SAP, which was a land where people paid large sums of money for software they did not understand, when he saw a Cloud in the heavens and lo his bush was burned. Great was the pain of his bush. 10. And he took this as a sign that he should lead the people of Ach Pe to the land of the Cloud and he went unto the people of Ach Pe and said “Maketh me thine king, for I will lead thee unto the Cloud.” 11. And the People of Ach Pe said unto him: “Who art thou, whose bush smouldereth?” 12. And St Apothrika said: “I am he who has come to prepare the way for the Messiah of the IT industry. Behold I have seen the cloud descend upon my bush and lead me unto the conclusion that I shall leadeth thee unto Cloud.” 13. And the people asketh: “And this way shall not lead unto inflated expenses claims or dinners with ye stars of porneth, even if they are soft?” 14. And St Apothrika spake and said: “The way of the Cloud, is not a den of iniquity, for is it not written that nothing that exciting may dwell in the Cloud. For the Lord hath cast out anything interesting in storage, and made it duller than Loughborough on a wet Sunday afternoon.” 15. And the people spake and said: “Would that this paradise have tablets, for we have seen that the Children of Jobs have shiny trinkets.” 16. And St Apothrika said: “Behold, I have had a vision. And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our Ach Peh, and the power of Apothrika: for Jobs shall be cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.  17. “And the people of Ach-Peh shall have their tablets of aluminium and they shall overcome Jobs by their faith in the Cloud.  18. “Therefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabitors of Steve Jobs’ Walled Garden of Inequity. For they are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and listeneth to Coldplay maketh a lie. 19. “But those who have faith in the Cloud, shall have peace evermore.”

Ye Booke of Cloude

Gates & Ballmer plotted Microsoft coup while Paul Allen sick, Allen says

Bill Gates‘ less-sprightly schoolchum, Microsoft co-founder and professional billionaire Paul Allen, has released memoirs that suggest Gates was a scheming so-and-so.

According to a draft of “Idea Man: A Memoir by the Co-founder of Microsoft,” as viewed by the WSJ, in the year Allen was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s disease, he listened in on a conversation between Gates and the charming Steve Ballmer, who was probably speaking a little too loudly.

Allen claims he heard the two talking about a lack of productivity – where they conjured up the idea to dilute his equity by issuing options to shareholders while lining their own pockets. Allen claims in the memoirs that he charged through the door, dodging a flurry of chairs, to shout at the then-Gruesome Twosome who did, eventually, apologise and forgetallaboutit. 

Ballmer has not commented to the WSJ

Despite the Gates and Ballmer’s joint plot falling on its backside, Allen claims that in the 70s Gates thought he was worth a 60 percent stake because he’d done more for programming in the beginning. Later, although Allen thought the two were equal partners, he claims Gates requested to move the share 64-36 in his favour, which Allen agreed to. Despite rolling over on shareholder agreements, Allen was denied an increase in Microsoft even though he’d been doing well on something called SoftCard. This left him cheesed off.

“In that moment, something died for me,” the Wall Street Journal quotes Allen as writing. “I’d thought that our partnership was based on fairness, but now I saw that Bill’s self-interest overrode all other considerations. My partner was out to grab as much of the pie as possible and hold onto it.” That’s when he decided he’d eventually quit. We guess it was the straw that broke the camel’s back – eventually encouraging Allen to go nuts with suing the entire IT industry.

As the Simpsons lovingly points out in Season 9’s “Das Bus,” Bill Gates didn’t “get rich by writing lots of cheques.”

Allen’s memoirs will be out to buy soon. The worst case scenario is David Fincher and Trent Reznor get excited and release a spiritual prequel to The Social Network. 

Ballmer says Windows will evolve into something different

Shy and retiring Microsoft CEO, Steve “Sound of Silence” Ballmer is telling the world that Windows is about to evolve into something completely different.

Speaking today at a Houston Technology Center bash, Ballmer said that changes on the PC were being driven by “innovations” with sophisticated smartphones and tablet devices.

According to Seattle Pi, which showed up for the nibbles and free booze, Ballmer claimed that Windows will “look a lot different and will run different applications” than it does in 2011.

It is difficult to see where Steve was going on this point. The whole point of Windows is that it can turn PCs into an office tool. Most of that software is crafted seperately for a particular purpose. If it is running different software it becomes something else and Steve did not describe his vision.

Ballmer admitted that Microsoft had stumbled a bit lately. He moaned that the industry moves quickly and his company isn’t always able to move as fast as competitors.

He said that Apple is proof that a company can come back to upend the market. He pointed out that when he started at Microsoft, Apple was bigger, but by 1997, Apple was almost bankrupt.

Now, Apple has turned itself around quite nicely. You see, you can come, go, come and go, and come again, Ballmer said.

But as any observer would have pointed out, when Apple came back it had an idea.

That idea was that you could set up a closed shop of gadgets and drive users in with nice design. You could keep making money out of them by bringing in more gadgets with more updated designs. It did not matter how good the gadgets were, so long as they looked nice.

Ballmer does not seem to have an idea that he is talking about to anyone. If he wants Windows to evolve into something more interesting he really needs to tell people exactly what.

Developers hope stripping pixel girl will boost web security

In a bid to make online banking even more appealing to the shut-in, developers at Platform45 have invented a password field that rewards users with taking the clothes off a roughly 36 x 36 pixellated girl.

It’s easy to bung “Naked Password” on your website. All you have to do is stick in a couple of lines of code with a publicly accessible image folder. Users will be “rewarded” as the more complex your password is, the more pixellated cartoon skin you get to see.

There’s a demo available on the website, here

Naked Password is either cynically suggesting that geeks can be enticed into excellent password protection or a tongue-in-cheek way to leverage web security, we’re not sure.

Using it, we discovered that the mere utterance of “Steve Ballmer” into a password field has a girl’s clothes literally disappear. She gladly hangs around in just her pants. “Bill Gates” has the same effect as does “Steve Jobs” which we suspect is not the hot topic of Apple’s conference this week. “Léo Apotheker” is a winner too, but poor old Mark Hurd only convinces the girl to take her jeans and top off, but at least he’s likely to buy her dinner.

Nokia chucks dosh at research in Russian tech city

Mobile manufacturer and Microsoft wheeler-dealer Nokia is planning heavy investment in a Russian “tech city” that the company hopes will see the firm increase market share, while boosting a modernised Russian economy.

The Innovation Centre in Skolkovo, an ‘Innograd’ or innovation town, will be the site where Finnish folk from Nokia open a research centre as part of its global network.

According to the monthly report from semiconductor analyst outfit Future Horizons, the centre will be on the same scale as England’s equivalent, which is one of the largest R&D centres Nokia owns.

The move for a greater presence in Russia appears to be symptomatic of Nokia’s desire to grab a slice of the action in the country via a long term plan of investment, just as it did with India and China.

The deal will mean building on work with Russian universities and companies that Nokia is already talking to, crucially placing them in a position to receive venture capital as part of the project at Skolkovo.

Esko Aho, a Nokia board member, highlights that the investment in the “Russian Silicon Valley” will be financially beneficial for all concerned.

And where Nokia has gone others could soon follow. A certain Steve Ballmer meeting with scientists at the University of Moscow last November suggests that there could be further possibilities in the PC market with big players like Microsoft sniffing around. Though relationships with Microsoft have been shaky in Russia.

The mighty Intel is likely to have a presence in the tech city. Former CEO Craig Barrett has been shaking hands already.