Ye Booke of Ballmer

 

Ye Booke of Ballmer Chapt XII Where King Ballmer Bellows and causes the Market Barriers to fall against the Dullards 1. And it came to pass that King Ballmer was perplexed for he did not know which way to lead his Microsoftees unto the promised land. 2. The LORD spake unto Ballmer and said Gates, my servant, hath gone to the Place of the Mosquito; now therefore arise, go over this unto the Land of Business Software, thou, and all thy people, unto the market, which I do give to them, even to the children of Redmond. 3. Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Gates. 4. There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Gates, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. 5. Remember that thy way is Business software and this law shall not depart out of thy mouth. Leave unto the Children of Apple, the Kingdom of Shiny Gadgets, for their toys are for boys who have not hair on their testicles and voices of girls. 6. Write unto the world software for grown ups, that secret software written in a language that none but business majors understand. That setteth goals that businesses think they need, even unto business intelligence that no man knoweth the meaning of. 7. Cast not thy chairs unto the wind. Meditate on this therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success. For it is written that people pay big dosh for this sort of bollocks. 8. But King Ballmer was afraid for the Market was already occupied with the tribes of Ay-Be-Em, Ech-Pee, and Sap. They had formed a powerful alliance of Dullards. And much money had they, and the market did do what they told them. 9. And it came to pass, when all the Kings of the Dullards, heard that the LORD had commanded King Ballmer to enter unto their domains and they did come forth to mock. Lo. Great was the Mocking thereof. 10. “Forsooth, King Ballmer, where is thine Tablet and how many Mobile Phone Operating Systems doth thy sell last year?” They did mock. 11. Now the Market for business software was shut up because of the children of Microsoft: none went out, and none came in. 12. And the LORD said unto Ballmer, See, I have given into thine hand the Business Software Market, and the Kings thereof. 13. On the seventh day ye shall compass the city seven times, and the thou shalt dance the dance of the monkey and thou shalt bellow forth. 14. And it shall come to pass, that when they make a long bellow and the Markets shall fall before thee and the people of Microsoft shall ascend up every man straight before him. 15. And it came to pass at the seventh time, when the Ballmer did bellow with Mighty voice that the Barriers to the Business Software Market fell down flat, so that the people went up into the market and doth make esoteric software. 16. So the LORD was with Ballmer; and his fame was noised throughout all the country, as indeed was the Noisy Ballmer.

Ye Booke of Ballmer