Videogames are the same as Cocaine

According to the last Bastion of Truth in modern times the Lancashire Evening Post, Lancashire parents needn’t worry about their kids binge drinking or dabbling with drugs, because many are already under the spell of a far more terrifying beast: computer games.

One schoolboy came forward to The Evening Post to spin his tale of woe – he admitted that his games addiction completely took over his life, he got rid of his mates, neglected school, played truant and only ate junk food. He went on gaming sessions that would last up to 48 hours.

Naysayers need only look to Steve Pope, the Therapy Pope of Garstang, Wyre, Lancashire, who claims that spending two hours on a “game station” is “equivalent to taking a line of cocaine” in the high it produces.

We talked to a recovering games addict who recently finished a stint at a Lancashire Xbox rehabilitation centre. “It just got totally out of control,” the former addict who wished not to be named told us. “Just a two hour Call of Duty session would lead to me talking frantically about myself, shaking, and craving more and more and more. Sometimes the rush I got made me so wired that I’d get really violent and throw my controller at the cat. I used to regularly call up other Call of Duty players at 3 in the morning just to get them to come over, they charged £100 each time.”

It is thought by some experts that the film industry is glamourising videogames with its portrayal. An expert in film and sociology at The University of Stevenage didn’t tell us: “A classic examples of a film that we believe contributed to this epidemic would be Scarface. Throughout the film, we see Tony Montana dabbling in video games – it is portrayed as a glamorous thing to do. At the end, before his deadly shoot-out with the police, he is seen in a mad frenzy in front of a table with Gameboys piled up everywhere.”

“Kleinberg the Lawyer in Carlito’s Way lived the high life and regularly indulged in his Pacman problem,” the expert told us. “In Pulp Fiction Uma Thurman even nips off to the bathroom at a restaurant to have a cheeky play on her Nintendo DS.”

It’s not just games that we have to worry about, though, it’s all aspects of digital life. According to the Lancashire Evening Post, a 74-year-old grandmother found herself addicted to online poker and her daughter bought 270 pairs of shoes on eBay. The granddaughter is addicted to Facebook. “The poison chalice is being handed down through the generations,” Steve Pope said.

TechEye talked to a man in his nineties who is hooked on search engine Wolfram Alpha. “It’s all I do from the moment I wake up right through to the early hours.” There is an email petition and web campaign floating around by The New Luddites proposing that we entirely ban all technology ever, especially email and the internet.