2012 – Windows 8 and other apocalypses

While the rest of the world is waiting for Nicholas Cage to tell the world about the sun overheating the earth’s core and born-again Christians are waiting for the Godot-like Jesus to save them from the Emperor Nero, Microsoft is planning an operating system apocalypse of its own on 2012.

We have been going over our Bible and found that the Book of Revelations talks about how the end times will be heralded by the launch of Windows 8.

Biblically 8 is not the best of numbers. It is one more than 7, which is the number of perfection and cabbalistically, adding one to something does not make it better.

As Revelations says: “the voice of harpers, and musicians, and of pipers, and trumpeters, shall be heard no more at all in thee; and no craftsman, of whatsoever craft he be, shall be found any more in thee; and the sound of a millstone shall be heard no more at all in thee.”

This verse has been previously linked to Vista, which lacked all the craftsmanship of Windows XP, however since the heat death of the earth did not happen, it has been assumed that it can only apply to a future operating system.

Crucially the verse in revelation goes on to describe the rise of Apple which had not really been completed by the time Vista was released. The verse says: “And the light of a candle shall shine no more at all in thee for thy merchants were the great men of the earth; for by thy sorceries were all nations deceived.” This is clearly the false prophet Steve Jobs.

Revelation talks about seven angels which had the seven vials which clearly refers to the seven previous versions of Windows “with whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication” and that these will bring about the eighth operating system with which the world will end. “For all nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her, and the merchants of the earth are waxed rich through the abundance of her delicacies.”

Now it seems, according to a Dutch Microsoft website, an employee blogged about the next operating system being a couple years away. Production and planning are already underway.

Not much is known about what will be under the bonnet of Windows 8 and how it will turn the software into the Whore of Babylon who rides upon the beast (who is clearly Steve Ballmer).

Previous leaks have told us that the software anti-Christ wants a centralised PC “App Store” interface, as well as faster boot-up times and the ability to log in users based on facial recognition.

The latter is clearly a Mark of the Beast because it will sit in a cloud based network and “none shall be able to buy and sell” without being stored on Redmond’s servers.