US Airforce needs help identifying women

The US Airforce has finally admitted that its men cannot identify women.

General Dwight Thunderblaster didn’t tell TechEye that it was a problem which came from being surrounded by men all the time.

“The only women some of these men have ever seen was their mothers, so they think that women should be dressed in Gingham and carrying apple pies,” he never said.

This is proving a handicap when pilots are required to drop bombs on people using targeting cameras. The Airforce has noticed that if a bomb hits a man, few people worry too much about it, even if it is a mistake. But if a woman gets blown to bits the liberal press is all over them.

“It used to be easy because everyone wore a uniform, and this usually involved trousers. But these days the US Airforce spends most of its time dropping bombs on un-uniformed Arab types,” Thunderblaster never said.

Even if the military were to develop a trouser seeking missile it would be useless in Iraq or Libya. Besides, apparently girls wear trousers these days too, the General, who is made up, didn’t say.

Kids are also tricky to spot as none of them seem to be pushing large hoops with sticks or playing jump rope like in the pictures.

So the Airforce has started a competition called the “Remote Human Demographic Characterization challenge”.

It would be a system that can “determine approximate age and gender of small groups of people at a distance.”

You don’t need to build a machine or software, all you need to do is knock out a written proposal and you could collect $20,000 in prize money.

After the first drone friendly-fire incident may have occurred in Afghanistan, the military is taking a hard look at how drone surveillance operators are identifying targets and authorising attacks.

Our plan is to scan the target to look for a list of identifiers. This is a bit tricky as it has to be done at 20,000 feet from a speeding jet.

The target is more likely to be a bloke if it is:

  • Scratching their groin
  • Wearing a football jersey
  • Standing up in a toilet
  • Laughing at Jeremy Clarkson
  • Holding beer
  • Listening to the radio during the football
  • Beard, not to be used as an identifier in North London
  • Rolled up copy of The Sun / Nuts / Zoo in back pocket of ill fitting denim
  • Builder’s crack visible at 20,000 feet

Though perhaps those rules need only apply should America decide Britain’s limited in-land resources are worth invading for.

To be honest we dont know what all the fuss is about. Richard Gere was able to spot a woman in Officer and a Gentleman.