Underground poses severe threat to unborn babies – Chinese plot

With the news that London Mayor Boris “BoJo” Johnson is being offered fifty million quid by Chinese mobile firm Huawei to install a mobile network on the Tube you would have thought that the capital’s commuters would be pleased.

Huawei’s plans to provide the infrastructure for mobile phone calls on the London underground is not angering Daily Mail readers, who do not believe it is a Chinese spy plot to fry the brains of unborn babies through the liberal application of femtocells to the cramped interiors of the Tube tunnels.

With Huawei having already established an HQ in the hotbed of political intrigue that is Banbury, Oxfordshire, no one is concerned that we are just a step away from a surprise coup which would totally shatter Britain’s illustrious and profitable property markets.

TechEye is more concerned that, just like the top deck of London’s double decker buses, the Tube will be quickly overrun with swathes of fifteen-year-olds playing the latest Akon hit at top volume through tinny mobile phone speakers.

But according to a survey by GoodMobilePhones, the offer has been met with a collective groan from the populace of London, with three quarters of Tube users whinging about some part of the scheme.

Of the 1,094 surveyed, 76 percent answered ‘no’ when asked if they were in favour of the scheme which would allow phone calls to be made throughout the ancient creaking underground system.

When probed as to why they would refuse the generous offer, the most popular response was the fear of flashing their shiny new smartphone around in case it is pinched by a potential mugger.

A skin-flinted 16 percent griped that, despite the infrastructure handed out for free by the Chinese, the main draw-back would be that it would add more to their monthly phone bills.

Meanwhile 14 percent were concerned that the mere sound of someone using a phone on the Tube would inspire blood-lust among other travellers who would swiftly pummel the perpetrator to the floor, rather than be forced to listen to their inane conversations.

The 24 percent of those surveyed who actually thought the scheme is a good idea claimed that it would increase safety in case of an emergency.

“The news of the underground mobile network certainly has caused quite a stir, but I am surprised to see so many people are against it,” said Mark Owen, founder of GoodMobilePhones.

“Not only would it mean you could make calls on the tube, but it could be a great success in the case of any emergency.”