Theresa May appoints her cat to assess Gary McKinnon

Comedy home secrety Secretary Theresa May has defended her decision to let her cat assess whether UK hacker Gary McKinnon really has Asperger’s Syndrome.

May appointed Mr Tiddles to provide crucial medical evidence, despite never gaining any medical degree, nor having any particular interest in mental illness before.

The Home Office has ordered that McKinnon undergo a further medical examination to see if there is any risk he might kill himself if he is stuck in a US jail.

May is reported to be “personally concerned” that McKinnon has not been examined by a Home Office-appointed medical assessor. Indeed, she is so concerned that she has personally appointed someone with no experience in looking at Asperger’s.

Tiddles is well known at the Home Office for his break-through methods in kitty litter distribution. He is understood to be qualified in getting under the feet of junior ministers.

He is known as May’s Mr Oddjob because he is always leaving odd jobs around the place.

When cornered by TechEye, Mr Tiddles said “mew” and ran underneath the sofa.

We made some of that up. What is scary is that it is 90 percent true. The untrue bit was appointing her cat.

In fact May has appointed Professor Thomas Fahy, who has as much experience with Asperger’s syndrome as Mr Tiddles.

McKinnon’s mother, Janis Sharp, said he had “no choice” but to refuse because the expert the Home Office had named to carry out the examination.

McKinnon had three medical examinations in April by three leading experts in Asperger’s and suicidal risk. Professor Simon Baron Cohen, Professor Jeremy Turk and Dr Jan Vermeulen all concluded that he was at extreme risk of suicide if extradited, and that he is unfit for trial. But that is not enough for May, she wants someone who knows nothing running the show.

To be fair this is Tory policy. After all, you have a Chancellor of the Exchequer who knows nothing about the economy, and you can get away with it, why not appoint someone who knows nothing about Asperger’s and suicide to do a report on someone with Asperger’s and how very well may kill themselves?

We understand Mr Tiddles hopes for a cabinet position in the next reshuffle. The cabinet is where there are the juiciest rats. 

Anyway, the Guardian reports that the crucial decision on whether to export McKinnon, complete with cuffs, will not be made until  October. The reason for this is because the Olympics are, to May, more of a priority.