Mozart used in modern warfare

If you thought Britain was a civilized, genteel society of tea drinkers and croquet players, think again. It is actually, according to those in the know, a nation brutally oppressed, and cruelly manipulated by the mind controlling melodies of Mozart. 

Yes, that’s right, according to Sign of the Times, “Britain has become the ‘Willy Wonka’ of social control, churning out increasingly creepy, bizarre, and fantastic methods for policing the populace.” 

And the latest giant gobstopper being rammed down the British public’s throat is apparently the “weaponization of classical music,” with Mozart being transformed into a “tool of state repression.” 

Which is almost as dramatic sounding as Beethoven’s ninth symphony. 

SotT seems to have gone a little OTT in its depiction of Britain as a dark and sinister place blanketed in CCTV cameras and Mosquito buzzer youth dispersers. A place where police beam blindingly bright lights into youngsters’ eyes as they sit canoodling on park benches at night. A place where arrests are now made by unmanned drones

But worst of all, it is a soul destroying place where the sweet melodies of classical music have apparently been given the Clockwork Orange treatment, used in ways that sends youth screaming and running to the nearest non-mosquitoed, non-mozartified bus shelter.

West Park School, in Derby was apparently the pioneer in the Bach brutalization and Tchaikovsky terrorizing of youth, “subjecting” (its words) naughty children to classical music in so called “special detentions,” lasting two hours. Which by all accounts is more than a little night music. 

The head teacher reckons this has slashed the number of disruptive kiddies by a whopping 60 per cent, which shows that giving children a good Haydn does actually make a difference. 

But whilst some may think putting the little monsters on the Rachmaninoff is a good thing, and the only way to truly get a decent Handel on the situation of antisocial behaviorism, others believe its nothing to Ravel in. 

Because whereas children may have found classical music tiresome and boring before, used as a tool for punishment, it has apparently become unbearable.

This is not news to the town of Tyne and Wear where classical music has purportedly been used at train stations as a weapon against hoodied yoof since the early 2000s. 

Tyne and Wear Metro fessed up to blasting “youths hanging around” its train stations with Mozart and Vivaldi to make them go away, saying the method worked amazingly well. 

“They seem to loathe [the music],” said a railway spokesman, “It’s pretty uncool to be seen hanging around somewhere when Mozart is playing.” 

Tube stations across London are apparently taking note and picking up Tyne and Wear’s tune like the pied piper. Bus-stops, parking lots, parks and shops are following the (nutcracker) suit.

Funny that, you’d think the soothing sounds of classical might be a good accompaniment to shopping, or should that be Chopin? Oh well, welcome to little Britten.