Effluent society exposes Litte Mermaid

“Under the sea, under the sea/ Darling it’s better down, where it’s wetter, take it from me.”  So sang a famous Disney cartoon crustacean, but the true horror of the realities of underwater coastal life were today sensationally revealed in the British tabloid press, showing a life that is less Little Mermaid – and more Trainspotting.

The reports – which will shock the reader – tell of prawns so whacked-out on ‘happy pills’ they knowingly swim into the path of predators without a thought for the consequences.  There are even xxx-rated stories beginning to emerge of gender-bending male crustaceans using the drugs and then giving birth.

Scientists have finally broken their silence on the issue, revealing the seedy underworld of prawn narcotics once and for all.  

It is known that the drug of choice amongst thrill-seeking junky crustaceans is serotonin releasing anti-depressant Prozac.  The drug is thought to be flushed out of sewers in human waste into coastal waters around the UK – with England and Wales writing more than 26 million prescriptions annually – and this is where they congregate to get their ‘fix’.

Once dosed up the reckless prawns are said to become entranced by bright lights where they become highly vulnerable to harm, like a group of acid freaks standing staring at a set of traffic lights on a busy road.   

Now the sheer numbers of prawns floating to their death in a drug induced stupor has lead scientists to speak out and describe the effects as “devastating”, warning that we risk creating a lost generation of young crustaceans.

Scientists such as Dr Alex Ford, who leads research into the problems that face prawns, believe that a steady supply of easily available drugs is the reason for such tragic loss of life.

“’Drugs are partially broken down in the treatment process but what we are realising now is that a lot more gets through than we thought. 

“The treatment plants weren’t designed to break down medicines so some inevitably get concentrated in areas where the works are and they get released into streams or onto beaches.

“Effluent is concentrated in river estuaries and coastal areas, which is where shrimps and other marine life live – this means that shrimps are taking on the excreted drugs of whole towns.”

But while the likes of Dr Ford believe the solution lies in improvements in technology to treat sewage and the development of ‘greener’, surely the blame must lie with society as a whole. So until the country faces up to its shame it seems this disgraceful behaviour is doomed to continue.