Ye Booke of Rim


1. And it came to pass that the people of Rim found themselves at odds with many other peoples. There was the Children of Jobs who worshipped their leader and the Tribe of Goo-Gol who claimed that they did no evil, except between the hours of 10 am and 2.45pm. 2. And there arose within the people of Rim a double headed dragon. And the name of one head was Lazaridis and when he spoke the wall paper was stripped, and the name of the other head was Balsillie and when he breathed people wept buckets. 3. And the Double Headed Monster spoke unto the People of Rim and said, you shall hath not one leader but two, for are we not joined. 4. And the People of Rim thought this was a good idea and they fed the two headed monster, even unto double expense accounts. 5. But then it came to everyone’s attention that the two headed monster was not as good a king as they hoped. He made them not money like Jobs, nor was he popular with the mobile market like Goo-Gol. 6. When the two headed monster releaseth his tablets, the people did mock them, even unto the blogosphere. For tablet connected unto the internet not, and was as useful even as a teapot made of chocolate, or spheres of brass, on a monkey on a cold day. 7. Yet the double headed monster careth not. For even though each head likethed each other not, at least their body was getting fat. 8. And when the results were announced and Rim was losing money, yea even unto the going down the loo, they spake and said “Let us sacrifice the Children of Rim and call it a restructuring.” 9. And there arose amongst the Children of Rim, one who claimeth to be a senior manager, and he did write unto his fellows a secret email saying that the dragon was sapping their spirit. 10. He said that the dragon had forbidden managers to speak openly without limiting their careers, even unto never working in this town again. 11. The anonymous one said that under the dragon, things have never been more chaotic and the people worked slower and slower. 12. He called for unto Rim to hire those who had been blessed by the LORD with the gifts of software design. He said that the Apple, Google & Microsoft had software teams which were blessed by the LORD, while Rim had leaders who were like blindfolded donkeys who brayed at the scorpion in the dark. 13. He spake and said that Rim had to stop shipping incomplete products that aren’t baked. Particularly those tablets which needed a mobile phone to connect unto. 14. “Our SDK / development platform is like unto a rundown 1990′s Ford Explorer, while the children of Jobs hath a BMW M3,” he spake and said. “We offer developers tools of shit and thus are not apps of shit created?” the manager did say. 15. And he did say that the reign of the dual headed dragon should end for it was not efficient. He said Rim needed a dragon with one head who might eat a little less. 16. Had not the two headed dragon seeth not the threat of iPhone? Did it not. It laughed and said that Jobs was trying to put a computer on a phone, that it won’t work. 17. And the two headed dragon did cry out for the demons of the PR department to go forth and seek out the man and to rend him up, even like unto a kipper. 18. But the PR people found the man not, for he had headed into the hills where he was dining on locusts to hide from the two headed dragon. 19. But the rest of the people of Rim thought that the unknown man might be right and they made their plans to remove the two headed dragon, and replace it with something a bit more talented and innovative, such as a badger.

Ye Booke of Rim, and the two headed dragon