Ye Booke of Lenovo

And it came to pass that King Ballmer did beget another operating system and the people of Redmond did rejoice. For they had suffered many years watching as the Children of Jobs did taketh the Promised Land of market leadership from them with their Tablets of Flame and iPhones of dropped connections. “Surely with this new operating system, we shall return our market share unto what the LORD of the GATES did tell us was our rightful inheritance?” they did say. But King Ballmer was perplexed, for had not many of Microsoft’s good products gone arse over tit before these times, and had not many of Apple’s rubbish products done rather well? And he did say unto himself that he had to be jolly careful about the marketing of this new Windows lest it fall to mockery, as was Vista, which he spoke not of any more. If someone bringeth forward a product which is rubbish, then people shall think that my operating system is rubbish. Therefore, I must make sure that the first tablet is made by the best of my disciples, yea even unto my OEMs. All the OEMS appeared before his presence. Nokia first ascended and said: “Lord of Software! Let it please thee to create the operating system by me, as I am to be thy first maker of tablets for thou has invested a billion dollars in me to slay Symbian.” But said the Ballmer (blessed be He): “Thou, oh, Nokia, are indeed worthy, but I cannot create the first tablet by thee; for thou art never made one before and your first may indeed be your last.” After Nokia had disappeared,  Dell ascended and said: “I pray thee, Lord of Software as I bear thy great name on my grey boxes create the first Windows Tablet in the world by me.” But said the Ballmer (blessed be He) “Thou art truly, oh, Dell, worthy, pure and true; but the tablets you have made in the past are no good and would bring about much comparison and mockery and I SHALL NOT BE MOCKED.” So Dell departed and Samsung and Acer, having heard these words, dared not present themselves before the divine presence. Lenovo  then went before him, saying: “Because I hold the keys to the Chinese market and own the mighty Think Pad let me be the first to maketh thine Tablet. For I will make one for the cash of a box shifter but with the status of Big Blue.” To these words King Ballmer responded: “Lenovo, Lenovo! Thou shalt be the first of all my Tablet makers and my status shall be symbolized only by thee. In all conceptions and ideas human or divine, in every act and deed begun, carried on and completed, in all of them shalt thou be the first, the beginning… shall we say August?” And the designers from Lenovo did go forth and labour in their tablet kilns and lo, it was finished. King Ballmer did start to plan his campaign against the Children of Jobs and did sharpen his marketing tools. And he did rally his forces and said: “People of Redmond, on this day we shall go forth against the hoards of the evil people of Jobs. We have the tablet of Lenovo which shall act as our shield against misfortune, a rolled up copy of our Windows 8 press release which shall be our sword of truth. We are now ready to take back the Land which Gates brought us to, when we were lead out of captivity to IBM.” And the people did cheer, because people tended to do that, in the hope that King Ballmer would be a little bit quieter.