Ye Booke of Jobs and How Jobs Found His Lost Sheep



Book of Jobs Chapt. How Steve found his lost children 1. And it came to pass that the Children of Apple were wandering in the desert when a group of them became lost. 2. They did hold their iPhones unto the air, but they captured the signal not and they could no longer hear the voice of Steve, nor connect unto iTunes. 3. They did cry out unto the darkness that Steve Jobs had abandoned them and that they could not find his walled garden of delights. 4. And some were seduced unto the path of the Whore of Android, who did lure them to her sacred groves with the temptation of licentious applications. 5. Others did fall unto heresy. Their faith was shattered and they did forget to believe that Apple really invented the computer, that Steve Jobs won the Second World War and using Windows gave you cancer. 6. And Steve did cry unto the LORD for the souls of his lost sheep. 7. “Oh Lord! How can they believe what I tell them if I know not where they are 24/7. 8. And the Lord did spake and say: “Take unto thyself and iPhone and write an application which tells you where thine followers are.” 9. And Steve thought this was the best idea he had ever had and installed the software immediately into the iPhone. 10. There after whenever one of his sheep became lost, and thought that other companies made better phones, he could sent forth his black shirted followers to rescue them. 11. However, it came to pass that security researchers found Steve’s code in the iPhone. “Lo,” they spake, “Jobs is spying on his customers.” 12. And Apple said nothing, for it was its way. But messages were despatched unto Steve’s allies in the press and they went forth amongst the nations. 13. “Android also spyeth on its users, so it matters not that Jobs does it, even unto the 12 month in violation of data protection laws,” they did pen. 14. For is it not written in the contract that the iPhone user must hand over all that is his unto Steve Jobs. So there is naught that can complain. 15. However, the Whore of Android came forth, and after she did that, she did complain that the Apple allies were speaking untruths, even unto total bollocks. For she recorded the data for only a few minutes, a day at the best. 16. And then it was revealed that Inspector Knacker of the Yard had known of Apple’s sacred code for a year. But it had kept its counsel. For it knew if that if arrested any of the Children of Jobs it was jolly useful to have knowledge of their movements, even unto the corner shop for a packet of Rothmans. 17. But the Children of Jobs rejoiced, for it meant unto them, that they were important enough for Steve to care about them. 18. For it was written that no one loved a follower of Apple, other than their mothers.