Those iPad Mini rumours described in full

Apple stunned us with at its iPhone 5: a superfast supercool smartphone nine times the length of the last model, sporting an innovative map feature which turned getting from A to B into the kind of surprising and fun adventure only a brand such as Apple could offer. The latest rumours are that Apple’s iPad Mini could be announced this month, the long awaited sequel to the last sequel’s sequel, and we just can’t wait. Here’s a roundup of our favourite rumours so far:

– 12800 x 243 RESOLUTION The iPhone 5 threw a curveball when it changed the display so drastically, but, after the positive critical reception, Apple insiders have suggested Cupertino is going half a step further. By using a 12800 x 243 resolution, iPad Mini will completely redefine the apps we have been using and know and love, energising the user experience of every single one.

– FART ACTIVATED SEARCH Siri was a big hit. The feature would answer any question you could throw at it, often with the wrong answers, challenging the user to engage his or her own brain and initiative and truly buy into what the Apple brand advocates: *individuality*, the get-up-and-go, can-do spirit of the modern American. According to the rumour mill, the clue for iPad Mini is in the name – Siri, in Japanese, an important market for Apple, means ‘rump, ass, or bottom’. With iPad Mini, users will be able to pass wind into Smeli, the gas-activated satisfaction assistant, which will then automagically tell you how pleased you are.

– RELATIVELY CHEAPER THAN EVER Although early whisperings suggest iPad Mini will come in at just under $4,000, we’ve heard initial pricing of $6, – $7,000 for the 1GB edition. Apple really will be redefining exclusivity as the bargain bin prices of Amazon’s Kindle Fire and Google’s Nexus 7 are picked up by the poor proles who can’t afford Apple. We can hear the jealousy now!

– COOL CAMERA EFFECTS iPhone 5 introduced a cool purple hue to thousands of iPhone 5s registered in a secret lottery. Those lucky enough to enjoy iPhone’s unique filtering effects will be stoked to hear iPad Mini is tipped for more of the same. Rather than just one cool colour filter, Apple will be introducing them all at once, and although this rainbow of innovation may feel different at first, we’re sure this feature will be another game-changing paradigm shift that outpaces and transcends the traditional clear-lens functions of those copy-cats at Android. Walt Mossberg was rumoured to have been overheard saying: “It’s like taking off a new pair of glasses for the first time”

– LANDLINE ACTIVATED PHONE CALLS We got a taste of this in iPhone 4 when users complained about a feature that dropped telephone calls – thereby potentially saving thousands on the monthly bill. With iPad Mini, like the iPads before it, you can’t make phonecalls, but it can wirelessly connect to iPhone 5 through iCloud to communicate that, if you must make a call, you may look up the nearest phone box on Apple’s new map software. 

– NEARER FIELD COMMUNICATION The technology press has been talking about the dated Near Field Communication for some time now – which has applications such as quickly paying for products or services simply by passing your phone over a receiving surface. With Nearer Field Communication, Mini iPad automatically charges your debit card whenever it is in the same room, giving users the unique opportunity to generate a great credit rating, quickly.

– INNOVATIVE iNDIVIDUALITY Everyone knew from day one that the i in iPod stood for I. The world remembers its excitement when Apple extended the concept of individuality from the simple pod through to the phone, and most recently, the pad. iPad MiNi is three times as individual.