Book of Jobs
1. Then the Profit Steve Jobs began to build the MIGHTY iPhone franchise. 2. And in the most holy house he made two Mighty Phones one was of ebony and the other was of Ivory. He raised them up before the holy place and placed the black in his right and the white in his left. And he called the white one Jachin, and the left Boaz. 3. He did this so that those of his followers who believeth that black was cool would be able to purchase of the black iPhone while those who believeth in the purity could buy of the white ones. 4. For it was written that the followers of Apple were divided into two. Those who were virgins and did not wish to be, and those who were virgins and thought it was pretty cool. Thus those that wanted a girlfriend would partake of Boaz and those who did not would take of Jachin.5. All was well and God did smile on the iPhone franchise until it came time for the 4G phone to be sold. The artisans from China came forth unto Jobs and saith “we are a little short of plastic Ivory, we are sure we will have some in soon.”6. So Jobs did releaseth only a phone of ebony and the fanboys who were virgins did wail and gnash their teeth.7. “People will see us with a black phone and assume that we will want to have sexual intercourse with them, just like those with the phones of Boaz. And they will shun us.”8. So Jobs did promise that an Ivory phone would arrive in December. But lo the Artisans from China did approach him and sayth. “When we made thee the white phone we foundeth that the phone did not work. We calleth yet the watchman did not hear.”9. And Jobs did say: “But that is true also of the black phone thou madeth for me. What is the difference between the phone of light and the phone of darkness?”10. And the Artisans from China spake and said the following proverb : “If a man pisseth into his loin cloth no one will know, if the colour of his cloth be dark.”11. Jobs was wise and did ask “but surely one would know because of the stink.”12. But the Artisans from China did say “you only asked us about the colour, not if this turd of a camel would go or not.”13. Jobs did agree that was fairth enough and did tell the Virgins that they would not get their phones until next year. And there was more gnashing of teeth.14. And there came amongst them Magicians who would taketh the phone of darkness and place it inside a case of light. And many Virgins rushed to buy of their products.15. And Steve Jobs told his security officers and did tell them to meet with these Magicians and cast them out.16. “If I give the people light and dark, it is my concern, for do I not only answer unto the LORD. Smite them with the writ of Law, rend them limb from limb. For the Virgins shall have the phone of Ivory when I spaketh and not before.”17. And so the word went out that Apple fanboys must accuse the Magicians of theft. They must say that they must have stolen the cases of Ivory from the Artisans of China and prevented them from truly arriving in the hands of the Virgins of Light.18. And thus it was done and Steve Jobs did maketh lots of cash, but the Virgins were unhappy.