Nintendo to cull Nintendog Guttenberg

TechIcke will be sending back its 3DS test unit to Nintendo this weekend, spelling certain death for loveable Nintendog Guttenberg, a cute little puppy adopted and trained by TechIcke. Nintendo will cruely wipe all data saved on the unit, erase Guttenberg into the realm of mere memory and send it to the next plaice eager to review the world’s first handheld device with an autostereoscopic 3D display.

This policy raises serious moral and ethical concerns. Can a company, or an individual, simply wipe away virtual pets to which people may, to some degree, feel emotionally attached? And what about the broader implications in regards to artificial life, created in labs?

May a researcher ever flick the power switch and sap the life energy from one of his creations, playing God? May researchers only build moral and ethical AL systems in their PCs? Let us not even consider the implications of wetware, i.e. putting all that PC stuff into biological practice.

So who to ask about all those difficult ethical pickles?

TechIcke decided to ask PETA what in the name of splattered pet innards it thought about the whole confounded affair. It turns out PETA UK gave Nintendo an award for Nintendogs back in 2006!

“PETA has no objection to – and, in fact, often promotes – the use of digitised animals in films, television, video games and other media. We encourage the use of CGI and other creative technologies instead of live animals because animals in the entertainment industry are often subjected to rigorous and abusive training methods to force them to perform unnatural, meaningless tricks,” answered PETA.

“Computer-generated animal characters can do everything that real animals do, without the risk of injury and stress as they cannot feel pain, joy, love, sadness and grief as their living counterparts can,” the anti-fur organisation carried on.

Wonderful, wonderful! But what about the pain, joy, love, sadness and grief of reviewers, small children and assorted C’thulhu fodder who find their virtual pets erased from the face of flash memory?

 “The exception, of course, is when such images are used to promote violence against animals (for example, video games that glorify hunting or other forms of cruelty). Violent behaviour is already far too common in the real world – the last thing we need to do is glamorise it.”

Isn’t wiping virtual pets from SD cards violent and cruel behaviour? Has anyone actually researched if little kids who will later grow into serial killers get preteen kicks from creating cute little Nintendoggies, play with them, only to later on wipe them from the face of the earth?
And what if such polygon abuse psychopaths later become AL researchers, creating virtual life from biological matter?

Oh, what an ethical pickle indeed!

TechIcke and its member tentacles sees such moral and ethical considerations as a clear sign of the inferiority of the human race, which is why we, as Reptiloids under the all-seeing eye, are proud to be part of a vast, intergalactic conspiracy designed to ensnare humanity and reduce it to fodder, to be munched in rhythm with the beat of solar flares and supernovas.

3D handheld techwizardry and cute, beloved casual games are one part of our cunning plan. TechIcke has previously reported how, for instance, peripheral vision is subdued by autostereoscopic handsets. This makes crowd control far easier for our brethren! No one will hardly notice us eating you or stopping time to modify your wetware if you are all hypnotised by inane imagery on miniature screens.

Our corporate fronts are working in ways to translate our Inner Earth technology into ways humankind can grasp. Nvidia, for instance, will be churning out its Tegra 2 SoC (Satanic ocular Control – because we use it to look at you!) for 3D handsets soon. By the way, TechIcke fondly calls Nvidia a jolly green goblin, simply because in reality, it is. Actually  a race of green goblins dwelling in cave systems beneath the island of Taiwan,

Oh, and guess why we call Intel Chipzilla! Perhaps because its chips will become so widespread you won’t even mutter when they establish their secret silicon genetics and become a unified vassal vesses for a transdimensional being happy to eat you?

And please do remember the Yahoo and Microsoft takeover talks back in 2008. TechIcke’s previous semi-incarnation wrote, oh-so obviously, that “71 year old investor reportedly also said that he thought Microsoft were the wrong corporation, which he called an over-the-hill, green-tentacled octopus.” 

TechIcke enjoys covering up the true identity of the many-tentacled corporate godhead by simply referring to Microsoft as the Vole, a loveable small rodent that makes a nice, crunchy topping to school children roast in honey.

Yes, we are happy reptile beings, and you, dear reader, not only are the fodder that makes us fat, but also supplies us with wealth without any real counter value by delivering us Unique Page Impressions.

And none of you will believe the hapless few who understand! Oh no, for this is obviously an April Fool’s! Or is it not?!

Ah, how our bellies already bloat with giggly joy!