A guide to avoiding an Apple lawsuit

A series of court documents has leaked which provides the world with a handy guide about how to avoid a knock on the door from one of Apple’s lawyers.

This is jolly useful if you are just starting out in the tablet or smartphone market and don’t want your product hit by something which has already sprung fully formed from the creative genius of Steve Jobs, peace be upon him.

If Samsung had followed this list, and no we are not making these up, Apple claims that it would not have sued:

  • Thou shalt not have any device which has a front surface that is black or clear.
  • Thou shalt not have any flat rectangular device. Thou shalt not have any device with a rounded corner.
  • Thou shalt not have a device with a display screen which is more square than rectangular.
  • Thou shalt not have display screens which are not centred on the front surface of the phone and that have substantial lateral borders. Apple will give you its definition of substantial.
  • Thou shalt not have speaker openings that are not horizontal slots with rounded ends and that are not centered above the display screen.
  • Thou shalt not have front surfaces that contain substantial adornment.
  • Thou shalt not have phones with bezels, for Satan saw Jobs’ holy and perfect bezel and did corrupt it.

While we would have throught that should have been enough to get around any design problems you might have, according to PC World the court filing was censored and it would appear that Apple is covering up other advice which it is keeping secret and sharing only with the court. These would include:

  • Thou shalt not suffer Android to be placed on your machine.
  • If thou art in doubt about putting Android upon your machine refer to the above point.
  • Thou shalt not maketh thine tablet or smartphone of any plastic or metal. Wood is acceptable.
  • Thou shalt not design thine phones without cords.