Ye Booke of Bartz

 

How the Queen of Yahoo was told to go forth and multiply and reaped her revenge In the beginning there was the mighty empire of the Yahoo and no one entered the Internet but with the say so of its guardians. But lo, another angel come down from heaven, having great power; and the earth was lightened with his glory. And he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, “I am Google and I shall do no evil” He did unspeakable things, which no one ever talked about, but did mighty harm to the empire of Yahoo, saying: “Yahoo the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird. For all nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her, and the merchants of the earth are waxed rich through the abundance of her delicacies.” It was written that Google had overstated the case, but it was true that the Kingdom of Yahoo was in trouble. And they bought forth a Queen to rule them who was fair of face and foul of tongue and her name was Bartz. And they did pay her large sums of money to sit in her tower of Ivory. King Ballmer did woo her with his awesome Bing and bling. But did he not go away empty handed? Did not Queen Bartz make his software do all the searching so she did not have to do anything? But the Board of Yahoo was wrath. Bartz was taking the shekels but there was no change. And the Google Giant remained taunting them. And they said “who will rid us of this turbulent queen” and their heart was full of fear. For had she not told Techcrunch to “f*ck off” ? Did she not use language which their mummies gave them a smack for using? And the Board decided to ring her up, fire her and slam down the phone before they could be insulted. And they wrote Roy Bostock a script so that he should not divert from the path of legality. And Bostock rehearsed it even unto the wee small hours. But when he came to perform it Bartz did interupt him and say: “Thou art reading a script you piss poor performer. Hath thou not the balls to speak unto me thineself?” And Yahoo’s chairman did squeak that he had not and continued reading the script and then hung up. But the next day, did not Bartz go unto Fortune magazine and spake and say “These people f*cked me over” and the press was full of what it described as a “foul-mouthed tirade” . “Go down, sit in the dust, Virgin Daughter Yahoo; sit thou on the ground without a throne. No longer will though be called a search engine. Take millstones and grind flour, you are better making scones. Take off your veil. Lift up your skirts, bare your legs, and wade through the streams. Your nakedness will be exposed and your shame uncovered. I am forever. I am the eternal queen! For I, Bartz, will take vengeance upon ye and I shalt spare none.” Bartz addeth that the Board was the worst in the country and did follow the great god “Doofus.” Doofus is a lesser God to whom the board of the people of Ech-Peh did also worship and did inspire them to take King Apotheka as their King. And she held up the balls of Bostock which she kept in a jar and spake and said: “Let the world be known that I hath been fired by a man with no balls. Who shalt be the first to hire me now!” But the men of the IT industry did long unto their own testicles and did whistle and walk away.