It’s so, so hard to think up really satisfying methods of revenge.
Cutting the crotch out of your ex’s trousers or throwing away his wine collection are desperately unoriginal. As for the other options, well, it’s just so hard to get bloodstains out of the carpet.
But crabrevenge.com might just have the answer – pubic lice.
Yes, somewhere in the UK there is a secure (one hopes) facility breeding a mutant strain of insecticide-resistant pubic lice and shipping the eggs off to anyone with $20 and a chip on their shoulder.
“Make that bitch itch,” urges the website. “If you have a credit card and we are more than willing to supply you with all the crabs that you could ever need to seek your own justice. After all, that’s what life is about, isn’t it?”
Started by “a group of fellows who happen to know a thing or two about biology and revenge”, it offers a range of different packages including shampoo-resistant F strain super-crabs.
“These crabs are almost impossible to get rid of and have been through over a year of selective lab breeding to be the most aggressive and most reproductive species on the planet!” it says.
And the testimonials make great reading. “I am totally amazed at just how much fun one can have with crabs!” reads one. “My friend had a row with a bloke from our town who happens to be a taxi driver, so I laced his taxi with my bug army and now [he] is out of work because of this site.”