Milton Keynes awarded UK's slowest mobile broadband crown

Milton Keynes has been awarded the dubious honour of having the slowest mobile internet connection in the UK.

The town, famous for its Concrete Cow sculptures and Poundstretcher stores, has topped a list of the lowest average mobile internet speeds, with a lumbering average of 1.73Mbps, significantly lower than the 2.62 national average.

Leicester and Huddersfield were also named and shamed, but it was the much maligned Buckinghamshire town that pipped them to the top.

According to polling site Top10.com, it would take 10 seconds to load a webpage on a smartphone, more than two minutes to download an app and over an hour to start downloading a video, fueling speculation among scientists of a black hole being generated by one of the many roundabouts littering the city centre – causing a rift in the time space continuum.

The survey highlighted the growing trend towards more reliance on mobile broadband, saying that investment into the area was crucial for the future.

“This was our one chance to stop being labelled England’s crappest town and move to our goal of becoming the leading city in the free-thinking world a bit like Paris in the 1920s, and we have blown it now,” said a professor of Bollox Studies at Milton Keynes University.

“Even people from Luton will be looking down their noses at us now, and we sure as hell won’t be able to show our faces around Slough for a while.”