Iran fears US suitcase

The Glorious Iranian Revolution is bringing in some aggressive internet censorship rules to tackle a secret US weapon which they fear will dissolve the country and return the dead Shah to his peacock throne.

Apparently, what gives Mahmoud Ahmadinejad bad dreams is that Americans will show up armed with suitcases which will give his people with internet access.

The technology provides a wireless internet connection node which does not need to connect to the official Iranian internet.

He fears that Iranians will get on the internet and become informed. The next moment they will be extremely hacked off at what he and the glorious revolution has done with the country since it took control.

Those who remember the CIA-backed Shah regime might also start making comparisons. Others might discover that Islam really isn’t an intolerant backward-thinking religion which is at war with the rest of the world based around a 19th century call to get back to the Middle Ages. They might also get a little miffed that Ahmadinejad rigged the last election.

Ahmadinejad’s answer to this problem is that the Iranian Internet needs more censorship.  He has ordered an upgrade to the filtering system that enables the regime to block access to thousands of websites it deems inappropriate for Iranian users.

The filtering improvement is designed to stop people using VPNs or proxy websites. At the same time, said it had received information that “a new filtering system that targets Google and Yahoo search engines” had been installed and tested on Monday.

One Iranian told the Guardian by phone that the new upgrade in the filtering system is a signal the regime is prepared to stop any attempt by the US to challenge the country’s online censorship.

So, the fact that they have not worked out a way of censoring phone internet connections using modems is likely to cause a few problems already.

But if the Internet in a Suitcase technology is true then forcing more censorship onto the network is crazy.

The way we understand it, the suitcase connection will bypass the entire Iranian web.

The more censored the web is, the more attractive it will be for the Iranians to use the dark web.

We also cannot see how Iran can block every foreign proxy unless it only allows access to a very limited list of foreign sites.

But what is even funnier about this is that the Internet in a Suitcase is probably not even true.

For it to actually be a threat to Iran, CIA agents would have to mass produces it, ship it to Iran against a UN embargo and make sure it worked. There would have to be thousands of the things distributed for it to be effective and a decent method for the signal to get out of the country.

What is more likely is that Ahmadinejad has become so sad that he has to blame an imaginary suitcase for an internet crack-down on his citizens.