Internet is turning everyone into a Satanist

The world wide web is turning people into devil-worshipping Satanists, according to a top catholic priest.

Carlo Climati, Regina Apostolorum Pontifical University, who specialises in the dangers posed to young people by Satanism, claims that it has never been easier to sell your soul to the devil. We guess the infernal one has an e-commerce site these days.

According to Climati, the internet makes it a doddle to find information about Satanism. In just a few minutes you can contact Satanist groups and research occultism.  In the good old days the church could stop the flow of such information to the great unwashed by arranging book burnings followed by setting fire to the authors in the public square.  But with the net, and pesky human rights legislation, this is impossible.

Apparently the church is flat out at the moment dealing with shedloads of demons which have come flooding from the gates of hell as a result of people finding out about Satanism and occultism.

Climati is setting up conferences to scrutinise the phenomenon of Satanism with “seriousness and scientific rigour”, avoiding a “superficial or sensational approach”. We are not quite sure how he will manage this given that Satanism was an PR invention of the Church to terrorise peasants into signing up.

However he claims that there is a particular risk for young people who are in difficulties or who are emotionally fragile.

A conference in Rome has brought together more than 60 Catholic clergy as well as doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, teachers and youth workers to discuss how to combat the dangers of devil worship.

The first problem they have is a shortage of actual cases of real devil worship. To get around this they say that the rise of Satanism has been dangerously underestimated in recent years.

Gabriele Nanni, a former exorcist and another speaker at the course claims that there has been a revival of the devil and his works and pomps.

As a result there has been a rise in the workloads of priests who are specialists in exorcism.

These are called in when “the moral certainty has been reached that the person is possessed”.

This is defined by the scientific approach of seeing if there are radical and disturbing changes in the person’s behaviour and voice, or an ability to garble in foreign languages or nonsensical gibberish.

Father Gabriele Amorth told the conference that people who are possessed by Satan” vomit shards of glass and pieces of iron, scream, dribble and slobber, utter blasphemies and have to be physically restrained”. Well, that explains the TechEye Christmas party then.

Nanni admitted that the number of genuine cases of possession by the Devil remained relatively small.

However, the world must be on guard because occult and Satanist practices are spreading thanks to the internet and new technologies that make it easier to access these rituals.

Oh, and you know all those sex-abuse scandals that the Church is suffering from lately?

Apparently they were not caused by the Church at all. The conference has decided that they are proof that the anti-Christ was waging a war against Catholicism. So if you are worried about your local priest fiddling with you kids, you are probably possessed by a demon you got by reading about the subject on Google.