You’ve probably noticed that Facebook has been in the news quite a bit lately. Do you write for a newspaper or website? Simply follow our four easy steps to get that Facebook story your organ desperately needs.
Step 1) OK, so you’ve decided to post an article about Facebook in your tabloid. Your readers interest can only be held for so long, though. So, what to go with? We recommend that you announce Facebook causes one or more of the following: sexually transmitted infections, paedophilia, rape, murder, the death of Princess Di, homosexuality, cancer or illegal immigration to the UK. Go ahead and take one or more and enjoy the attention as your ill-informed, factually inaccurate article spirals out of control and hits every news outlet from Austria to Australia!
Step 2) You’ve made your claim and your subs have confirmed that they can sort the chaff from the chaff to give you a real attention grabbing headline. Great! Now what, though? What if some of your pedantic readers are looking for those elusive and pesky buggers called “facts”? The answer is simple. All you need to do is point your browser to Google.com, Google.co.uk, Google.co.jp or Google.cn – maybe not Google.cn – and have a search for an essay, any essay on Facebook. Now’s your chance! Manipulate the hell out of that essay!
EyeSee: If you can’t be bothered, and who could possibly blame you, to sift through essays online and research Facebook you can always just make something up. Try citing made-up professors from made-up universities. Open your second or third paragraph with “Professor Haiva Laff of the University of West Stevenage claims”. You’re in the media! You’re trustworthy. Cross your fingers and hope some nit picking reader doesn’t bother to check your sources. Heck, they probably won’t.
Step 3) Uh oh. So it turns out that Facebook is a multimillion dollar company and you’ve just stepped on its toes, insinuating that ‘poking’ your friends causes cancer and was behind the death of Princess Di. And it turns out your readers DID check your sources! You’d better heed that warning and take all your mentions of Facebook out of your article. MySpace and Bebo are less controversial targets so go ahead and do a ctrl+f and replace all of your Facebook mentions with either of the above.
Step 4) Battle lawsuit.