Advice for Apple fanboys on using Web 2.0

At Cappuccino we want people to maximise their Apple experience upon those who may have a difference sense of perspective. It is largely pointless if we spend huge amounts of cash bribing hacks from the New York Times, if some tin pot blogs run lots of stories saying how “indifferent” the Apple experience is.

Fortunately for us it is possible for Apple fanboys to make a difference by using the comments functions on the bottom of Web II based news sites. This will prevent Steve Jobs from having to GIVE THE COMPANY TO MICROSOFT if the Iphone 4 does not sell well.

To assist Apple fanboys we have provided a list of tips which we have successfully replicated on a large number of sites that use Web II.

  • Never read the news story. If Steve Jobs had meant you to be informed he would alow his press office to comment on important news stories. News is a dangerous thing. You might discover that your magical apple product has a faulty screen or cannot connect to the internet unless it is attached to the wire modem with duct tap. Read as much as you can to ascertain that the story is “negative”. While you might think that your Web II comments might suffer from a lack of facts, it is better that the story not be debated.
  • Pretend that you come to the site often. Many news sites depend on regular page hits to sell their site to advertisers. The editorial budget might be threatened by a readership migration due to anti-Apple stories therefore it is a good idea to pretend that you have been a loyal follower of the site and are leaving because of its editorial line.
  • State that the story is lacking important facts and the reporter is ignorant. See point one. You do not have to list the facts that you are disputing and it is better that you do not start a debate that will result in you or others being informed.
  • Look for errors in grammar and punctuation as “proof” that the all facts are incorrect. It does not matter if the story says that the iPhone gives you cancer, if there is a boldly split infinitive the story must be false.
  • It is generally possible to do this without needing to look at technical facts or starting a debate. Note that if the magazine is not American you can ask if the writer is “using English as a second language”. Everyone should spell and write the way Steve Jobs does and not the way that it is done in Britain.
  • Attack the reporter. Reporters are like the English royal family – it does not do to get into a slagging match with readers. Therefore you can insult them knowing that they will never come back to you. By insulting the reporter you avoid having to deal with the facts of the story (see point one). Imply that the reporter is unprofessional, just got out of high school, is a “blogger” or that your kid could do better. It does not matter that you can only write in capitals. While it is difficult to find an Apple fanboy who knows anything about technology (we only had one mouse button for years for a reason) it is better that you imply that the journalist knows nothing about tech.
  • If you have time, research the reporter’s past or their hobbies to see if there is something that might indicate that they are mentally unstable. After all only insane people would not love the iPad.
  • Post several comments on the same story under different handles or addresses. This will give the impression that a lot of people agree with you that Apple is great and that the reporter and the magazine are evil. It will also will give the rest of the world the impression that Apple has more than five percent of the market.
  • Pretend you are not actually an Apple user. This gives the impression that you are impartial. For example: “I am not an Apple user, but I think Nick Farrell buggers goats”. If you find this too difficult to roleplay you can say you are “forced to use Windows at work” so you have some degree of knowledge about how wonderful, super, cool and magical Apple is.
  • Pretend that the reporter or their magazine is pro-Microsoft. This was a very good technique a few years ago but unfortunately it is getting a little old hat now. However it reminds everyone that the enemy is always Redmond even if Apple’s main competition is Google.
  • If in doubt just say “it just works”.