A bear invents excellent new technology news pitch

A budding entrepreneur known only as “Eggcellence” has made his business pitch for a brand new technology news website public in a bid to impress the competition.

In a video posted on Xtranormal, the enterprising young gent, also a teddy bear with a patch around one eye, reveals a “unique business model” that’s sure to make him heaps of dosh in La-La Land.

Questioned by another bear in a yellow jumper, possibly a VC, he is asked if he likes technology. “Yes,” he says, “but I like hits more – hits is what people who don’t know anything about unique page impressions calls unique page impressions.”

Are they good? “Yes,” says the bear, “because the more unique page impressions I get the more money I make, and I like money.” Do you like unique page impressions and money more than you like technology news, he is asked. “Yes.” How will you get those unique page impressions – will you write unique technology news?

And here’s the blinder – “I will report on technology news that is at least two or three days old. That way, I will be able to steal everybody elses technology news stories and I will not have to write technology news stories of my own.

“And I will include the term iPad 2 in every headline. Because some words like iPad 2 posess special magic powers. Some people call these special powers SEO.”

The bear’s onto a winner. He correctly identifies that the entire planet doesn’t want to hear interviews or insight, rather they are enticed by shiny overpriced consumer electronics. He’s clearly been onto Google News this morning, the UK flavour dominated today by stories about electronics Apple may or may not be making or releasing.

The word “iPad” is featured 11 times in the first five stories alone. That’s because two of them are about tablet computers, while the other three are about Amazon’s app store – which will be on Android devices, Samsung’s Galaxy Tab and Steve Jobs talking about an iPod. “Galaxy Tab,” “iPod” and “App Store” are also high on the Google News’ watch-list. And we guess for good reason!

Here’s some news about the nationals. Several, which will go unnamed, for now, are locked into a constant SEO battle where they fight for the top places on Google’s aggregator. It’s so much so that they republish articles verbatim with slightly different headlines if a story’s becoming a little stale, which is why you’ll see last week’s news at the end of this week as others move to copy it. It’s like the Ouroboros with a bad taste in its tail.

The usual suspects tend to trend near the top because they write about iPads so much they essentially turn into a gigantic consumer electronics catalogue. Release dates, specs and prices are carefully listed along with gushing excitement.

Sometimes there will even be links through to Amazon, price comparison services or other points of sale where they can even pick up extra pocket money through small commissions, which can be neatly piled on top of the ad impressions and hits they get for carefully crafting their own iPad 2 press releases all day long.

So yes, the bear in La-La Land’s business model may not be unique but it’ll probably generate a Disney Dollar or two.