Ye Booke of Black Friday

 

And it came to pass that there was in the Land of the Free a special holiday where the people did celebrate murdering the native population to bring the LORD to the country. And the inhabitants did cut off the head of a large bird to the LORD and did rend its entrails and deep fry them, for this was pleasing unto the LORD. And the people of the Land of the Free did eat unto themselves pie of pumpkin and say unto themselves “we are the rulers of all.” And the Lord was pleased with the Land of the Free and gave unto it a mighty Empire which stretched from the Pacific Ocean unto the Atlantic and no man was poor, at least no man worth speaking of. But as years passed, the people did wanteth shiny toys and cared not for the LORD. “Hath we not our iPods”, they did say unto themselves. “Hath we not the keys unto the Walled Kingdom of Apple and needeth not the LORD any more?” And Lo, they made unto themselves a false holiday which was known as Black Friday and there they would queue for their gadgets holding their gold before them. And great was the demand for the tablets, and the PCs and the music players of delight. And the leaders of the Land of the Free were happy for was it not written in their constitution that the economy shalt be powered by gold and that people should buy the electronic dreams yeah even unto bankruptcy. Many continued to make the sacrifices of the Turkey and the pie of pumpkin but they saw it not as a feast of thanksgiving unto the LORD but as occasion for gluttony and the showing off of their shiny gadgets. And lo, the LORD spaketh and say “I hath regretted that I ever made the Land of the Free, for they worship the false gods of the tablet, the PC and the music player. I shall wipeth them out in a flood for they pisseth me off.” But there came before the LORD an Angel, whose name is a Mystery, who did spake and point out that the LORD promised that he would not do that flooding business ever again, for that was what that rainbow thing was all about. And the LORD admitted that this was so, so instead he decided to bless the people of China instead and he made sure that all the gadgets were made in the Land of Gog and Magoog instead. And everytime the people of the Land of the Free did queue outside the stores on the day which they were supposed to thankful unto the LORD they did actually give all their money unto China. And thus the Land of the Free grew weak while the Land of Gog and Magoog grew strong. And soon the Land of Gog and Magoog was loaning the Land of the Free its own money, and the people were mightily in debt. And soon it seemed they were doomed. For it is written, thou shalt not pisseth off a major deity, least thou wanteth to be out of pocket by a large sum. For the LORD maketh a Land to be fruitful and bringeth forth deepeth fried turkey or shalt make it a pauper amongst nations, yea like the Romans.