Ye Book of Ultra


And it came to pass that it was time for Intel to start revealing its Ultrabooks, and lo the LORD did divide the analysts between sheep and goats as to whether it would be a success. There were two tribes of analysts, those who did worship at the champagne coloured altar of Steve Jobs. Unto these was given the message that Ultrabooks would be too expensive to compete with the tablets of law. “If the LORD hath meant us to use keyboards,” they did spake and say, “He would have given us fingers. For the lord gave us hands to swipe, we needeth not the opposable thumbs, and some of us, in Texas, have them not.” Yet there were those who did stroke their beard and did notice that the children of In-Tel were clearly up to something. Had not King Otellini gone forth amongst the manufactures with whips and scorpions until they agreed to maketh the Ultrabook? Had he not told them that they had to make it cheap, yea even unto less than $700? Had they not wailed more than the Prophet Jonah in his 39th night in the belly of the whale? For it was written, they did suggest, that if In-Tel trieth that hard it must know something we know not. And sure enough the numbers of Ultrabooks were legion, even before the Mighty Microsoft did bring forth its Eight headed version of Windows. But all this could not come to pass yet. For the rise of Ultrabooks were fated not to appear until the back to school rush. Yea verily none should know if the Ultrabooks would defeateth the tablet until that day. But that mattered not unto the analysts, for they were a breed beyond time, who did mount the back of the speculation beast, and rode it into Jerusalem itself. And so the streets were full of prophets of the Ultrabook’s doom and prophets of the Ultrabook’s glory. And none could agree. And the beasts of speculation gave birth unto rumour, and rumour did fill the gaps between the words. And consumers did say unto themselves, “we knoweth not which way is up” nor do we particularly care if we shalt buy tablets, Ultrabooks, or even a nice shiny laptop. For we must pay the debts of the Greeks, who hath been giving money to stop their unions from going on strike, and the Italians to keep their politicians in underage prostitutes, and the Spanish who loaned money to get the Italian prostitutes. Meanwhile, the British Prime-Minister David Cameron, did depart the land to sell arms to Asia, and he took his tablet. Know this, oh ye children of TechEye, that whether ye choseth an Ultrabook or a laptop, he that beareth the tablet shall always be the tribe of Cameron. And people will ever think that thou art like him.