Based on Steve Ballmer’s shaky announcements over the last year-and-a-bit, TechEye is pleased to present to you our predictions for his Microsoft Keynote at the Consumer Electronics Show, Las Vegas, 2011. His keynote is on Thursday. Get ready with this handy checklist:
- Microsoft Unicorn With its distinguishing horn, billy-goat beard, cloven hooves and penchant for granting magical wishes we expect Ballmer to pen in a Q2 2011 launch.
- Microsoft Atlantis While explorers far and sundry have given their lives searching for the fabled city of gold under the sea or perhaps elsewhere, Ballmer says he will bring the world the release of the sunken paradise sometime late 2011. He’ll call it an innovation but Google got there first.
- Microsoft Shambhala Tibet is anything but free! In fact with Microsoft’s planned expensive licensing on this upcoming lost city, Tibet’s rather expensive indeed! Typically thought of as hidden somewhere in Inner Asia, Ballmer will exclusively reveal, by way of a ritual dance, that the Kingdom is Microsoft’s proprietary property. He will boast its testing phase will begin Q1 2011. Stockholders relax: Thought Shambhala was Pure land? Pure profits, more like! The man below starts off by blowing through a human thigh bone – sort of a trumpet. Go figure, Communist China!
- Microsoft Xanadu Not visited by Marco Polo in 1275, established Microsoft 1975. Ballmer is going to announce the shift of all research departments, factories, whatever to Microsoft Xanadu giving up on Redmond or Seattle entirely. It’ll cost somewhere in the region of $5 million dollars, according to Ballmer on Thursday, and the shift will start 1st February. It’ll be complete, Ballmer will say, by the 5th of February.
- Microsoft Tir na nOg Ballmer will admit that his company, in the past, hasn’t lived up to all of its promises. And he’s sorry. But it’s all been for a worthy cause, because Steve and the gang have been looking for the fabled Irish city of eternal life, Tir na nOg. Petty, announcing this to us – as only Ballmer, Gates and a handful of bigwigs will live there. Where they will quarrel and scrap until the end of time. Similarly from what you thought was Irish mythology there will also be the Microsoft Pot Of Gold At The End Of The Rainbow. And the premise will bear striking similarity to every Microsoft roadmap in history.