Pope likely to ban Apple's use of rubbers

His Holiness Pope Benedict is likely to rule that will be against the to the Catholic faith to use rubbers to fix the iPhone 4.

We spoke to spokesman Rev Romeo Lovechild, to ask what Pope Benedict’s view of the use of rubbers on the iPhone 4 would be.

He told us that Pope Benedict, who recently said that ordaining women was worse than child abuse, was completely against placing a rubber something on anything.

The announcement will effectively mean that Apple fanboys will be unable to use Job’s Mob’s fix for his faulty iPhone 4 and would either have to return their shiny toys until Jobs’ fixes them, or never make a call with them again.

Rev Lovechild told us that anyone who wanted to use a rubber should approach their local priest for counselling.

“We would not want Apple customers to face eternal damnation just for putting on a rubber,” he said.

Rev Lovechild said the reason behind the Roman Catholic church’s blanket ban on rubbers came from the infallible Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Church’s position in his 1968 encyclical Humanae Vitae (Human Life).

He wrote that the use of a rubber protection “contradicts the will of the Author of life [God]. Hence to use this divine gift while depriving it, even if only partially, of its meaning and purpose, is equally repugnant to the nature of man and of woman, and is consequently in opposition to the plan of God and His holy will”.