Ye Visione of G-Cloud


1: Now it came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the Second month, in the fifth day of the month, as I was among the Romans by the river of Tiber, that the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of the Cloud. 2: In the fifth day of the month, which was the 12th year of King Ballmer’s reign. 3: And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire. 4: Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living clouds. And they had the logos of doom and marketing. 6: And every one had two faces, and every one had four wings and a different view about what the cloud meaneth. For some did think it meaneth storage, and others did believe it mean a cureth for all ills, even that one which maketh thine bowels sound like harpstrings. 7: And they went every one straight forward: whither the spirit was to go, they went; and they turned not when they went. 8: And I saw that one cloud which came forth from Redmond, and another from the lands of Ech-Peh and and another from the Amazon. Yea! Great was the hype that followed in their train. 9: But the last living cloud was markethed by a huge letter G upon its forehead and people who did gaze upon it were moved unto say: “Gee, what the hell is that?”. Behold, it did come forth from Mountain View, upon one wheel upon the earth with his three faces. 10: The appearance of the wheels and its work was like unto a tiger and yet had the appearance of a kitten. For it did cry out, “Thou shalt do no evil”, and yet it sought to eat the other Holy Clouds. 11: But lo there came forth from the land of Blighty another cloud and it was created by the British Kings to run their government. And it was written that this cloud would be a “bit crap” because all things British were a bit rubbish. 12: For the Kings of Westminster did say, we shall maketh the Kinder Surprise of Cloud Networks and createth the double disappointment of doom. 13. And to maketh matters worse, they dubbed their cloud the G-Cloud, which meant that everyone thought it was the same as the Cloud which spaketh about doing no evil. 14. And when the G Cloud from Mountain View, heard that the British had done this it made the noise of the Cloud its wings, and its breaketh wind like the noise of great waters. 15. And there was a voice from the firmament that was over their heads, when they stood, and had let down their wings and it did spake and say. 16. “Cursed be the British and their G-Cloud, for is it not written that all letters G must come from the Americas?” 17. But the British did say that they invented the English language, yea even the comma and the full stop, and they did think that G did stand for government. 18. They spaketh: “Have we not paid our chums in the IT industry trillions of pounds to bring forth this Cloud? And we have looked in our excheque and have found the funds not?” 19. And the G-Cloud from Mountain View did bide its time, for it knew that eventually the British would spend trillions on their cloud only to find that it was broken. And then would not the cloud emerge from Mountain View, and eat it?