Ye Booke of Riaa

 

1. In the beginning the LORD did create heaven and earth from the Music of the Spheres, which was an instrument made by mating a bagpipe with an Ood. And the universe was created, the LORD saw it was good and everyone was happy. 2. But a team of Nephalim did approach the LORD and did pointeth out that he had to pay them a percentage of what he earned, so that they could protect Almighty God from people stealing his music and creating other universes without permission. 3. And the LORD was so upset that he cast the Nephalim down, even unto the earth, where they became known as the Riaa. 4. It was written that whenever a musician performed, the Riaa would want the fattest part of their payment for protection. And thus it happened that the Riaa becameth very fat, even unto rotund. And each Chief had an infinite number of swimming pools and each of the demi-demons had a million swimming pools. 5. And lo, did the governments of the world bow unto the Riaa and did hand over their tablets of law unto them. For they feared that they would lose their campaign funds if they stood against them. 6. An lo, there came unto the world the nomadic File Sharers and the eaters of Lime, made of Wires, and suddenly people did not have to pay for music any longer. And the Riaa were perplexed for they realised that they had built their business model on the sandy ground rather than the stoney ground of sensibility. 7. Most of the musicians liketh the ideas the File Sharers but the Riaa saith they could use technology not. 8. They spake amongst themselves and said if musicians sell their music using technology, then there is no reason for us to exist. We must stamp this File Sharing out. 9. And they did unleash their lawyers from the very depths of hell where they had been cast because they were too evil even for other lawyers to be near. 10. And the lawyers smote those who followed the File Sharers and dragged the elderly, the lame, children, the quick and the dead into court. 11. But the people continued to follow the File Sharers and there were not enough demons and not enough courts to sue them all. 12. And the musicians did spake and say “stop pissing around and sell our music legitimately” and the Riaa did say they would think about it. 13. Meanwhile they decided to bring down the mighty monster chief of the File Sharers. He who was known for his great eating of limes. 14. And the lawyers did set upon him and drag him into a court where they demanded that he be crucified along with his family, children, live-stock and small pets. Further that he hand over 75 trillion shekels, which they claimed was the money that the File Shares stole from them. 15. However, the Judge was perplexed and did scratch his wig even unto the back. Forsooth such money has not been earned by the whole world, how could it be possible that one industry could be out of pocket by that much? 16. And the lawyers did shrug and say “you have to thinketh big when you are a demon of evil”. 17. And the eater of Lime Wire did say unto them “I will payeth thee a million shekels if thou would go forth and multiply”. And the lawyers did taketh the money and did go forth and multiply. 18. And the Riaa did declare a victory and did buyeth another round of swimming pools to celebrate. 19. But where Lime Wire fell, others did take their place and the Riaa found itself in an endless war. And it was all pointless, yea, unto the end of the Age.