Ye Booke of Nok Nok Nokia on Heaven's Door


And it came to pass that Nokia’s new King Risto Siilasmaa did call forth his shareholders and subjects to explain unto them his new turnaround strategy. For he had heard on the grape vine that his shareholders were wrath for the price of Nokia shares had gone unto the depths of the deepest sea, yea even deeper than Leviathan could swim if he were wearing an aqualung patented by Jacques Cousteau. The shareholders did complain that they had lost patience with Nokia’s efforts to catch up in the smartphone. Hath we not been conquered by the dedicated followers of Apple, and the minions of Google hath conquered us also. Is it not written that the only reason we hath not been conquered by RIM is because they can’t get the conkers? But King Siilasmaa did call on his followers to hold fast to the faith of their new alliance with King Ballmer. “Hath he not given us the miracle of the Lumia, which is a shiny toy which neither looks unto the iPhone, nor unto the Android,” said King Siilasmaa. “Yeah,” said the shareholders, “So it is a product that no one wants.” King Siilasmaa said unto them that he was confident that Nokia had the right team, right strategy and the right products on the market to get it through this period of tribulation. But the shareholders thought that he had a bunch of right Charlies, trying to flog the wrong products with a cunning plan which worketh not. “Hath we seen more organisation running around the farmyard with its head cut off? Is there not more intelligent things lying on their back at the bottom of ponds?” King Siilasmaa admitted that sales of Nokia’s new smartphone range were slower than Abraham taking his son up the mountain to sacrifice to YHWH, and meanwhile Symbian sales had dried up faster than dew on the beach of the Dead Sea. His grand viziar Stephen Elop said that it was harder than he expected to break through but this was the territory of the virgin and perhaps he should have expected more resistance. While Nokia had been conquered by Samsung Electronics he feared not, for if the share price fell low enough, his chum King Ballmer would buy the company and all would be well again. Yea, and the Fetch and Standard & Poor’s cut Nokia’s credit rating to “sewer in the last toilet in hell”, given its bleak outlook.