Ye Booke of Mardoch

 

1. And there arose amongst the Philistines bands of thuggish mercenaries called Tablet Hacks and they were greatly feared among the Royal Families of the Promised Land. And they were all paid by Dig-Er of Mardoch. 2. There were two bands which were especially feared and they divided the week unto two. From the day of the Moon unto the Sabbath it would be the turn of the Tablet Hacks who worshipped the Sun. And they became known as the Sun. On the Day of the Sun however it was the time of the NoW hacks. 3. And the rulers of the Promised Lands were fearful of the Sun and the NoW because they kept not their sexual organs unto themselves and were liable to be attacked by the Hacks and exposed. 4. And there rose amongst band of the NoW a particularly vicious leader who was known by the name An-dee, Son of Cole. Under his rule the NoW became particularly frightening. If a King, or B listed soap star, rallied their forces against them, the NoW would smite them on Sunday. If they were particularly unlucky the Sun hacks would smite them on Monday as well. 5. But An-dee feared that there were not enough people to smite and so he consulted with the Witches of Endor about how to hack into a telephone. Armed with this weapon, NoW were able to hack into the private calls of Kings and Queens, rich and poor, even missing children who had been murdered. 6. And Dig-Er was pleased with his servant. 7. And then it came to pass that An-Dee decided that NoW needed a greater edge and he did talk unto the Palace Guards and the Night Watch and did give them vast sums of money to provide him with targets for his NoW band. 8. So close was he, that the Palace Guards would arrest him not, even when one of his Hacks was caught. 9. And Dig-Er was pleased with his servant. 10. And it came to pass that the man who would rule the Britons, Cam-oh-Roon did say unto himself, “This An-dee is exactly the right sort of chap an ordinary bloke like me needeth. For while I can charm the ladies of the blue hair, I have no chance with the oiks of North London.” 11. So he paid An-dee large sums of money to spake unto him the secrets of the common touch and to Spin. An-dee left the rule of the NoW band to the scarlet haired Rebekah who continued to pay the Palace Guards to reveal unto her the secrets of the networks. 12. And so it came to pass that the Britons did appoint Cam-oh-Roon to be their King, even though he speaketh not the common tongue. 13. And Cam-oh-Roon did love An-dee and Dig-Er was pleased. 14. But the Lord of Fortune smiled not on An-Dee, and soon other Kings did start to ask questions as to why their Palace Guards were not trying to fight the NoW Hacks, and after a while they confessed that they had been paid not to. 15. And the people were furious as they discovered that they had been hacked, even unto the answer phone of a murdered child. 16. And Cam-oh-Roon said that his chum An-dee knew not of any hacking. Besides, did not everyone deserve a second chance? 17. But the people did start to rise to cast stones and so An-dee leggethed it away from Cam-oh-Roon so that he would not be struck by the gravel. 18. Soon it seemed that everyone in the whole of the Kingdom had their phone hacked by the NoW and they demanded that all the forces of the world should unite against Dig-Er, the King of the Philistines, and throw him down. 19. And King Dig-Er was not pleased for he was trying to buy the Kingdom of Bee-Sky-Bee and had already bought a crown. 20. So he ordered that the NoW be merged with the Sun tribe and its name be struck from the Tablets of News International. He called for the band to be no more. 21. And it came to pass that Inspector Knacker of the Yard came to arrest An-Dee. And when they did so he did spake unto them and say “Midnight Express” and they did reply “That will do nicely.” 22. And yet the Flame Haired Rebecca did take her legions unto the Sun and continue the fight under another banner.