Book of Jobs
1. And when they drew nigh unto Cuppertino, then sent Jobs two disciples,
2 Saying unto them, Go into the Cupertino and over against you, and straightway ye shall find a Microsoft Tablet and a Sony MP3 player ,bring them unto me.
3 And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, Steve Jobs hath need of them; and straightway he will send them.
4 All this was done, and Jobs did take the Microsoft tablet and transformed it unto the iTablet and he did take the Sony MP3 player and made it unto the iPod.
5 And he thus fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying , Tell ye the fanboys of Cupertino, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, smug and bearing the Tablets of the law and the iPod of iTunes.6 And a very great multitude spread their garments in the way; others cut down branches from the trees, and strawed them in the way.
7 And the multitudes that went before, and that followed, cried, saying, Hosanna to Steve. Blessed is he that cometh in the name of expensive gizmos; Hosanna in the highest.
8 And when he was come into Cupertino, all the city was moved, saying, Who is this?
9 And the multitude spake and said this is Steve Jobs who hath transformed the tablet and made it unto an iPad and the MP3 player and made it unto the iPod.10 For is it not written that the weak shall be shallow and want all these gizmos and that a Messiah shall come and provide them?11 And the Priest replied: “No it sodding well is not. You just made that up. Who spaketh such egotistical marketing bollocks?”12 And the people said “Steve! He shall be our God and we will have none other. For he bringeth the gizmos that are shiny and provides us with Coldplay on repeat. Amen.”13. ¶And Jobs went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, declared that the Temple shall be hence forth known as an Apple Store and those who served in his temple would be known as Geniuses.14 And there was a cry from the people who had before been known only for their lack of intelligence and technical know how. “Steve calleth us a genius, our cup runneth over. ”
13 And Steve said “for it is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of commerce.”
14 And the people queue long for the products. Long was the queuing there of.
15 And when the chief priests and scribes saw the wonderful things that he did, and the children crying in the temple, and saying, Hosanna to Steve Jobs; they were sore displeased,
16 And said unto him, Hearest thou what these say? And Jobs saith unto them, Yea; have ye never read, Out of the mouth of drooling loonies thou hast perfected praise?
17 ¶Hath not Steve Jobs stolen our temple and made himself unto a God? 18 And Jobs spake and said: “But ye are all Gods… well ,those who clasp my tablets unto thine bosoms at least.19 And when the chief priests and Pharisees had heard this heresy, they prayed unto God to deliver them from this new religion. 20 And God heard their prayer and sent an Angel unto Steve Jobs saying: “Who art thou who would place thyself before the throne of God with thy shiny trinkets?”21 And Steve did spake and said: “I am the only way, I am the only truth. The world wants shiny trinkets and I provide them.”22. And the Angel asked: “But what thou of art, philosophy and the higher things?”23. And Steve said: “The great unwashed want not of these things. I tell them that my trinkets are art, and they say they are art and praise me as if I were Michaelangelo. People want not philosophy, they wish to be told what to do. 24. For I shall create a walled garden for my followers and there will be no sin, or Microsoft products allowed within it.”25. And the Angel said: “That hath been done before. It ended badly with snakes and an Apple.”26. And Jobs did say: “that was because it was not me in charge. When I take things over they work, when I turn my back upon them they fail.”27. “For God is just a reflection of my glory. I AM the real thing. Nothing can stand against me and my glorious vision.28. And the Angel said: “We shall see.”