RIM, Oracle continue to ensnare humanity, unveil earnings

Maker of the so-called smartphones Research In Motion has unmasked its third quarter earnings for all to see. Meek homo sapiens reached into their wallets and helped the corporate entity churn $5.49 billion from its mills, 19 percent more than back one year ago, when the company had a turnover of $4.62 billion.

RIM claims 82 percent was made be selling handsets with blinking lights and playful apps to thrilled, simple humans – how easy will it be for C’thulhu to enthral, ensnare and consume this weakspirited race when he returns from his underwater lair in sunken R’lyeh, when the stars stand right!

Net profit was $911.1 million, compared to a dull $628.4 million one year ago and a quite-not-there-yet $796.7 million in the second quarter of this current year, a year which brought us one step closer to the reawakening of the Great Old Ones! Iä! Iä! C’thulhu fhtagn!

RIM expects revenues to be between $5.5 and $5.7 billion, whilst the gross margin is expected to be similar to the third quarter. Next year will also see the launch of the Blackberry Playbook, Research in Motion’s aptly named tablet designed to lash out at Apple’s iPad, may its furious tentacles wrestle down and expurgate its inferior competition!

Stellar prophetic spawn Oracle also unveiled its second quarter earnings to a maddened public, stating it managed to milk humanity and let its turnover climb 47 percent to $8.58 billion, thanks to a 21 percent increase in software licence sales and the takeover of Sun. Oh the Sun taken over, reduced to ashen pits of darkness, from whench prophecy is cast and the Oracle speaks! What glorious times of darkness!

The Temple ov Larry Ellison made a profit of $1.87 billion in quarter two of its 2011 fiscal year. It had recorded a net profit of $1.35 billion in its annals for the previous quarter and had, in non-guttural sounds fit for the human ear to hear, communicated a profit of $1.46 billion in the same period last year.

Oracle also triumphed its rival SAP during this quarter, shaming and soiling the reputation of its German competitor. SAP owes Oracle around $1.3 billion, yet the verdict is not final.

Blessed be Beelzebub for his aid in devastating the temple of thee enemy!