Nokia rebrands, has a seamless motion

Former rubber boot maker Nokia is desperate to change its image and stick its doomed past behind it.

But sadly, the marketing team has not been up to the task. Firstly it has replaced Nokia’s famous Nokia Sans font with a new “Nokia Pure” typeface as part of its effort to re-brand itself.

While this is fair enough, the outfit has come up with the motto “seamless motion” to brand what it is putting out before the general public.

I had a seamless motion this morning. I think it was something to do with the fish I had for dinner, but we would not have thought Nokia would want to make such doings a rallying cry before a victory.

At no point in the history of the world, where revolutionaries or military people were doing something brave, did anyone mention anything about seamless motions. While French revolutionaries might have felt like a seamless motion while they were staring down the barrels of the French King’s muskets, at no point did it become a rallying cry.

Appropriately, writing in its bog, Nokia said that the letters of the new font flow into each other, creating the impression of forward movement. We would not have thought it a good idea to have a seamless motion forward, even if it was physically possible.

Swingin’ Stephen Elop thinks that Nokia will be successful because of “The Swing Factor” – he clearly has not been to the right sort of parties. Redmond’s swinging scene must be like something from Salo if he wants to make seamless motions part of the phone company’s future social life. We still can see how this will result in them putting out a better smartphone.

Using words like “seamless” is one of those meaningless marketing management terms that people don’t use or really understand. The day you have to stitch together a company with a needle and thread it might become important. Unfortunately the use of such words indicates how out of touch with reality you are.

We predicted that Nokia is doomed, and now that the company has confirmed that it is full of seamless motions we are certain that it will never be flushed with success ever again and will drop down the loo any day now.