FBI report paints Jobs as amoral, drug-taking liar

The FBI has released files on late Apple boss Steve Jobs, painting him as a drug-taking fantasist who abandoned his child.

191 pages of reports were put together back in 1991 as part of background checks for Jobs, who was about to be appointed George Bush senior’s Export Council.

However, it seems that the squares at the FBI were not too pleased about Jobs’ history of dabbling in LSD and smoking weed.

Top spooks were also less than impressed by his alleged habitual lying, citing interviews with people close to him which claim he often attempted to “distort reality” in order to get what he wanted.

One woman also said there were “questions concerning his ethics and morality”, and claimed that his personal life was “lacking” because of “narcissism and shallowness”.

With news that Jobs was also fond of alternatively screaming his head off while belittling his employees or retreating to burst, it certainly seems there was never a dull moment with Steve.

Even those on friendly terms with Jobs often had a bad word to say, with one claiming he was likeable enough but rather “deceptive”.

All of which makes Jobs sound like the ideal politician, with the report stating the Jobs indeed “possesses the qualities to assume a high level political position”.

Feds fearing ‘reds under the bed’ were placated with the report, also noting that the arch-capitalist, Jobs, had no family relations with people living in commie countries, with the Cold War only just drawing to a close.

There was talk, however, about Jobs fathering a child out of wedlock, claiming that he at first denied he was the father of Lisa Brennan-Jobs.

Details were released of blackmail attempts to extort money from Jobs during his first tenure at Apple. A series of phone calls were made by a man who claimed explosive devices had been placed in various homes and demanded “one million dollars” to be paid up. It turned out to be a hoax.