Church of England censors Eden

The Church of England, whose central doctrine is always wear an anorak and have tea and biscuits at 4pm, has decided that the best way forward for humanity is censorship.

According to the Evening Substandard, the church, which was established by a British king so he could marry his mistress, has been having a problem with sinners using its wi-fi to download pictures of people garbed just as their God created them.

Now Canterbury Cathedral has blocked access to certain websites in a bid to keep worshippers from the temptation of looking for sites during the sermon. It was also concerned about people searching for the stuff when they are having tea and biscuits at the new café.

Apparently, this is a big problem when modern day pilgrims visit what is left of the shrine of Thomas Beckett who lost his life after encountering some hard normal knights around his back passage.

Christopher Robinson, a spokesman for the cathedral, told the Evening Standard: ‘It’s really a safeguarding process. What we wanted is to provide free Wi-Fi for members of the public, but we didn’t want salacious or debasing sites being accessed.’

However, the Church said that the move was really based on a fear of the devil, as no one has actually been caught using their mobiles to look at the devil’s dumplings or feeding their one eyed serpent of paradise yet. However, the Church does not want anyone murdered by its kind and loving God for the sin of Onan, who would not father a child by his widowed sister-in-law.

The appropriately named Chester Cathedral had to shut down its Wi-Fi network after it was found that patrons could look at chests online.