Booke of Ye Broken RIM

 

1 The words of Amos, who was among the analysts of IDS , which he saw concerning RIM in the days of Ballmer king of Microsoft, and in the days of Cook the Son of Jobs, King of Apple. 2 And he said, that in the days Ballmer will roar from Redmond, and utter his voice from Microsoft; and the habitations of the programmers shall mourn, and RIM’s market share shall wither. 3 Thus saith the LORD; For three transgressions of RIM, and for four, I will not turn away the punishment thereof; because they have worshipped the two headed dragon for too long. And they are Canadians. 4 But I will send a fire into the figures of RIM, which shall devour the bottom line. 5 I will break also the hold of RIM over the business market, and maketh the iPhone in Blackberry’s place, and him that holdeth the tablet from the House of Jobs shall take the workers of RIM into captivity unto Kir, saith the LORD. 6 Thus saith the LORD; For three transgressions of RIM and for four, I will not turn away the punishment thereof; I will deliver them up to their doom for they are the remnant of the Philistines shall perish, saith the Lord GOD. 7 Thus saith the LORD; they that pant after RIM’s OS shall turn aside the way of the meek: and a man and his father shall sample not the touch pad. For that they shall profane my holy name and be deemed naughty in my site: 8 And the Cocaine Nose Jobs of Wall Street shall speak against RIM saying: “It hath lost its way, and even if the One Headed-dragon hath replaced the Two Headed one, RIM shall be as broken as the Austin Allegro.” 9 And this will all come to pass on a day when the land of Britain shall be without Petrol, because King Cameron hath keepeth for him and his friends. Note well the signs. 10 For on that day the land of Egypt shall banneth porn again, and RIM shall be cast into the wilderness by the Cocaine Nose Jobs of Wall Street. 11 And I raised up of your sons for prophets, and of your young men for Nazarites. [Is it] not even thus, O ye children of Israel? saith the LORD. 12 But ye gave the analysts wine to drink; and commanded them, saying, analyse NOT. Yet they did still give prophecy of the doom of RIM. Yea, even my cat shall give prophecy of the doom of RIM, and it shall not be a miracle, simply bloody obvious. 13 Listen not unto the declarations that  Thorsten Heins shall turneth the company around, for I say. Heins has been ,and beans is not Heins. Neither shall he stand that handleth the bow; and he that is swift of foot shall not deliver himself from the Canadian place before he is clubbeth unto death like the harp seal of hope.