Yes it’s true – in an announcement that has a striking similarity to Lady Gaga’s move to Polaroid last year, it has been confirmed today that “will.i.am”, hack auto-tune professional and producer of pop outfit Black Eyed Peas, is about to embark on his most adventurous collaboration yet.
Bucking the trend of roping in this year’s latest chart-topper for another half arsed attempt at a listenable record, will.i.am has been chosen from a candidate list of one for Intel – his official title is now “Director of Creative Innovation,” a position carefully cooked up and created, no doubt, by Intel’s innovative marketing team in a bid to cash in on Cheryl Cole’s friendzoned BFF. Neil Inntel of the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah band may be Otellini’s replacement.
Intel is not the only tech giant combing the charts for a gossip rag regular with a keen eye for snatching cheques. TechEye can, after some digging, exclusively reveal further collaborations between the realm of foundries and mediocre pop acts: Along with others, “Blue Man” Bernard Manning has joined AMD just a day after comedian Jim Davidson was made CEO.
At a pre-MWC press conference in California, Nvidia has chosen a cardboard cut-out of 90s hip-hop legend Tupac Shakur as its Tegra Software Manager. Meanwhile Rambus is set to announce that the rapper from 2-Unlimited will take the helm of European sales, though as yet no one can remember his name.
There are rumours around that former HP CEO Mark Hurd is going to be playing Lux Interior at a one-off celebrity packed gala, performing critically acclaimed cover ‘Surfin’ Hurd’. Sources say he does a “mean impression” after just a few. Hurd, now at Oracle, may be surprised to find VMWare selected the one with the beehive from the B-52s to join the award winning virtualisation team.
The struggling Yahoo has hired England’s “Diversity,” the street dance group headed by the charismatic Ashley Banjo as head of Enterprise Solutions.
Over in Asia, Foxconn’s Terry Gou has plans for Donny Osmond as floor manager at the notorious Shenzhen plant. The Honeycombs are now Huawei’s official R&D department. Also in East Asia, Led Zeppelin has entered acquisition talks with AU Optronics but the merger has been delayed due to Robert Plant’s display patent worries.
Our very own deepthroat has leaked a slide which suggests Madonna’s “in vogue” at Infineon – with a promotion out of the blue to head fellow. Similarly, Big Blue aka IBM has been awarded service provider of the year 2011, perhaps prematurely, by Motown original Diana Ross. The Cure’s Robert Smith is now in charge of EMEA public relations at Citrix while Shirley Ellis of “the Clapping Song” is delighted to take a top design role at Apple. To celebrate she will be releasing the Appling song.
The shock departure of Google’s Eric Schmidt, replaced by Larry Page, has found the reanimated corpse of Michael Jackson take charge of all open source projects. At Microsoft, Steve Ballmer has personally chosen the living members of The Beegees as successors to the Microsoft throne.