Apple plans exodus from Terra Firma

Apple is planning a space voyage to take its loyal followers back to whichever planet it is they come from. 

Jobs said at the WWDC event that his company had grown like a “weed” – if you don’t pull them out, they spread – and from its humble office building in Cupertino it has reached its natural evolution in a 12,000 capacity spaceship-style structure.

Much like the Raelians, the new building will house a number of unquestioning believers who see Jobs as their saviour. The Elohim was taken into space to dine with Jesus and Buddha in 1975.

But the date for Apple’s launch hasn’t been set – we guess it’ll be with the launch of iPad 2001 and the iPod Solaris, where Jobs will eschew the likes of Space-Krisna in the Kali Yuga and hold his own intergalactic conference instead. He might give a passing nod to Buddha.

Steve Jobs is no stranger to journeys in a galaxy far, far away, having dabbled with LSD in his time before Apple.

Jobs’ space cadets were pre-emptively satirised by The Simpsons in the episode “The Joy Of Sect,” where all of Springfield is brainwashed into joining The Movementarians.

Unfortunately for the devout, by the end the grand extraterrestrial vessel collapses at the last minute and its great leader is seen peddling on a crude helicopter riding a bike and blowing into a comb.