Apple lynch mob ready to get TechEye

The following transcript of all 50 Macworld’s readers gathering to form a lynch mob has been sent to us by Scotland Yard Flash Mob surveillance. It stands as a warning to all those who dare to say anything negative about Apple and Apple products.

Voice A: Is this working? Good. Aarrmmmm. Now I would like to thank you all for coming. I know it is difficult to get out on a school night. As you all know the evil and tasteless people in TechEye have been saying terrible things about Apple’s CEO and we are going to make them pay. That evil Nick Farrell even said that it was good that Jobs had cancer…. No, Nigel he really did say that. It says so in Macworld’s summary of the article… No, I haven’t read what Farrell wrote, it was too tasteless, I have to rely on Macworld because otherwise I will be contaminated by reading words that have passed through the lobes of a non-Apple approved person. The question is, are we going to stand for this sort of thing? Yes, Simon you can sit down if you must. I mean, it is not as if just because we own an iPad, an iPod, an iPhone, Apple TV, subscribe to iTunes, and queue for days when we can order a product on line, every time a new one comes out, that we are slaves to a scientology-based cargo cult? What do you mean the cargo cult is a joke? Don’t be silly Nigel, a joke is what you buy with an iPad application like iFart. That is real humour. Steve does not want us to be cynical or rude. What would your mother say? Irony? Don’t be silly we are Americans we had to give that back when we kicked the English out.

Ummmm. Now the question is how will we make TechEye pay for its cruel and evil treatment of our favourite CEO?

Voices mumbling.

Voice A. Yes we all visit their website, and insult the writer. That’s good. Very traditional. When the editor sees 50 posts rubbishing what Farrell wrote they are almost certain to fire him. 15 love to us! Norman… yes we can complain about his spelling and grammar, is there something wrong with it? I don’t know, I only read Macworld and they use very short words. You don’t know either? Oh, I see we will say it is badly written, even though it probably isn’t because that will make the writer look bad. Yes good.

After all none of us have actually read this article, we are only here because Macworld says it is crap. Insults don’t have to be clever. I know you have your Shakespearian abuse App and are itching to use it, but really it is enough to shout “hack, hack, hack” a few times. Yes, Norman you can call him “a dick” and stop giggling. No one in a mob giggles! “A c*** Sheryl? Really such language! I really don’t think Steve would approve of that sort of language, particularly from a Girl. Oh, you are not a Girl? Er Sorry.”

Anyway what we really want is a Flash mob…. oh quite right Nigel, Flash is an extremely inappropriate term given that Steve has declared it dead and breaks our mighty Macs. So what we want to do is go around to the Oxford offices of TechEye and say rude things to the editor. Do any of you have pitchforks and torches? Yes Chris I know your mum said that it was not safe to play with fire, but that is sort of the point now. Jim how did you go with getting the muscle? Millwall Netball Supporters Club? Yes I am sure they will do fine… Magee will be terrified of this particular HTML 5 Mob. Simon stop trying to shag your iPad, you will void the warranty!

Now, how are we going to answer these allegations that we act like a mob when a newspaper writes a story insulting Apple? No-one should be allowed to publish a point of view without it being approved by the Apple Press Office. Dirk, you write for the New York Times, what do you think?

Voice B (presumably Dirk): Well I can safely say that the entire US tech press is behind our actions. After all if we start criticising tech companies we will be in all sorts of trouble. My magazine is one of the few that Apple sends its gear to for review and we don’t want people to create any waves against the company otherwise I will not get a free iPad to review months before all you riff-raff are queuing in the rain. It is the role of all newspapers to praise Steve Jobs and Apple to the skies without irony or humour.

Group: Death to irony and humour!

Voice A: That’s the spirit! Now we are starting to sound like a real HTML 5 Mob. Lets have a morale boosting chant. Death to Farrell!

Group: Death to Farrell!

Voice A: Death to Microsoft!

Group: Death to Microsoft!

Voice: We are strong and we are tough

Group: We are strong and we are tough

Voice A: Cause we eat our Sugar Puffs

Group: Cause we eat our Sugar puffs

Voice A: Sugar puffs

Group: Sugar puffs?

Voice A: Cornflakes

Group: Cornflakes

Voice A: Brothers….. We all think different!

Group: Yes we all think different!

Voice C: I don’t

Group: Shush.

Voice A: Right we will all go around there and present Farrell with a Jackass award by…. er shoving it up his ass!

Mumbling

What do you mean he is a Ninjitsu black belt and has a house load of assorted cutlery? He has an Italian wife? Hmmm sounds dangerous? We could beat up Magee when he is coming home drunk from the Rat and Handgun. Yes Nigel, I know he is from Aberdeen. The most dangerous man ever to wear a skirt in Europe? I didn’t know that? He did what to an Intel executive? With the executive’s own spleen? Does he have a cat we can beat up? What about a pet mouse?

Oh dear, this is starting to look risky. It might be best that we keep our HTML 5 mob virtual for the foreseeable future. That way we don’t have to risk anything physical. Yes, Simon we can be the silent majority… right Nigel, Minority…. we can shout it from the roof tops “We are the Silent Minority… we are the superior beings, TechEye will be exterminated!”

<transcript ends when the Mother of Voice A breaks up the meeting by bringing warm milk and cookies>